Wooing with some words and a bit of online flirting
May 24, 2009 by Rachel Goodchild
Filed under Dating, Internet Dating, Singles
Yesterday someone pointed me to the love letters of John Keats. I’ve copied and pasted one for you to read below- though I’m writing about it first as I know for a large amount of readers, all that lovey dovey sparkly word stuff is going to throw you into anaphylactic shock- and then you may never come to my blog again.
I’ve long been a believer in our new technologies helping us to forge relationships better and faster because what we’ve done is gone back to getting to know each other through the written word.
Sure for some of is, that’s been bastardized with text speak and the fact (unless like me you send 6 part texts…) you are limited to either 140 to 160 characters (depending on whether you are a tweeter or a texter) and then there is the fact that unlike a letter, you can reread your own writing, and agonize after sending…but it’s one of the very best ways to get to know someone.
I think our brains work differently when we are writing our feelings and thoughts as opposed to saying them. We are often far more straight forward and honest in our communications. Where I think it all falls down is with internet dating or facebook stalking, we often don’t get to eyeball the person until we’ve managed to create some sense of feelings and then the person may not be the person we imagined.
I come from a long line of people who courted by letter. While some people do get burned, and hurt when they get sucked into conmen and fraudsters, it is still one of the very best ways to get to know someone. (and come on, if someone is asking you to send money it’s not really kosher is it?) And the letter below is testament to the fact it allows many people to share their feelings in a way that they would think would be over the top face to face.
So go the emails, the texts, the letters (I wrote someone a handwritten letter earlier this year- and you know what? That rocked in terms of being able to communicate in a way I wouldn’t have face ot face. Let’s bring back some of that retro letter writing too!)
It’s a great way to connect….
By the way- I’d love to come up with a 21st Century version of this letter- I think it could be funny. Any ideas how to reduce it down to a text length version?
July 8th, 1819
July 8th
My sweet girl,
Your Letter gave me more delight, than any thing in the world but yourself could do; indeed I am almost astonished that any absent one should have that luxurious power over my senses which I feel.
Even when I am not thinking of you I receive your influence and a tenderer nature steeling upon me. All my thoughts, my unhappiest days and nights have I find not at all cured me of my love of Beauty, but made it so intense that I am miserable that you are not with me: or rather breathe in that dull sort of patience that cannot be called Life. I never knew before, what such a love as you have made me feel, was; I did not believe in it; my Fancy was afraid of it, lest it should burn me up.
But if you will fully love me, though there may be some fire, ’twill not be more than we can bear when moistened and bedewed with Pleasures. You mention ‘horrid people’ and ask me whether it depend upon them whether I see you again. Do understand me, my love, in this. I have so much of you in my heart that I must turn Mentor when I see a chance of harm befalling you. I would never see any thing but Pleasure in your eyes, love on your lips, and Happiness in your steps.
I would wish to see you among those amusements suitable to your inclinations and spirits; so that our loves might be a delight in the midst of Pleasures agreeable enough, rather than a resource from vexations and cares. But I doubt much, in case of the worst, whether I shall be philosopher enough to follow my own Lessons: if I saw my resolution give you a pain I could not. Why may I not speak of your Beauty, since without that I could never have lov’d you.
I cannot conceive any beginning of such love as I have for you but Beauty. There may be a sort of love for which, without the least sneer at it, I have the highest respect and can admire it in others: but it has not the richness, the bloom, the full form, the enchantment of love after my own heart. So let me speak of your Beauty, though to my own endangering; if you could be so cruel to me as to try elsewhere its Power.
You say you are afraid I shall think you do not love me – in saying this you make me ache the more to be near you. I am at the diligent use of my faculties here, I do not pass a day without sprawling some blank verse or tagging some rhymes; and here I must confess, that, (since I am on that subject,) I love you the more in that I believe you have liked me for my own sake and for nothing else.
I have met with women whom I really think would like to be married to a Poem and to be given away by a Novel. I have seen your Comet, and only wish it was a sign that poor Rice would get well whose illness makes him rather a melancholy companion: and the more so as so to conquer his feelings and hide them from me, with a forc’d Pun.
I kiss’d your Writing over in the hope you had indulg’d me by leaving a trace of honey – What was your dream? Tell it me and I will tell you the interpretation thereof.
Ever yours, my love!
John Keats.
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I’m going to differ (without any begging).
That Keats letter would never survive on the internet – way too long. You’re always one click away from going somewhere else, so length counts.
But that brevity comes at a price – into the vacuum where information used to be, we project our own assumptions, desires or fears. So who we get to know best (if we choose to look closely) is not so much other people as ourselves.
We may be more honest, articulate or eloquent with words… but we may also be misleading – we’re seeking an ongoing dialogue, and yet we’re offering a monologue. We’re wanting to see if we want to be close to someone, yet we inject distance via writing. Something just doesn’t add up for me.
Lastly, if we believe in an “x-factor” – perhaps some kind of intangible spiritual presence about people – can that even be conveyed in words on a screen or paper? I’m convinced there are things going on with people that science cannot explain – there is more to two people genuinely connecting than meets the eye, ear, nose or any explicit sense. There is simply something about being in someone else’s presence which trumps all other modes of getting to know someone.
ahh, I agree you need to meet someone paul to know if there is “something”
What I was saying is that sometihng happens when we talk through the written word. Internet dating is so much smokes and mirrors but meeting people orgnaically then talking and connecting through email and texting- alot can be said.
I tihnk it comes down to the people involved. I am he same in person as I am in the written word- just with this blog- and others writing that I do you see more of my inner self- that in fact affects all the outer actions I have
I do think that weird and odd people flush themselves out early. I really don’t meet the high proportion of weird people everyone else seems ot meet- because I use thier words ot filter them right from the start.
If a man sent me an email that length, with that much effort put into it at the right point of the relationship…. we’ll I’d love it. it’s the thoughts that weigh far more than any gold ring or fancy gift
Hi, cool post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for writing.