Let’s just be friends

A couple of my friends have sent me similar types of links over the last few days- articles, studies and reflections on hanging out with guys you like, who never quite seem to make the move. You think they are into you, you hang out all the time, but nothing ever happens. Then one day they meet someone and you realise that you were actually just their mate. There was no secret ulterior motive to spend all that time chatting to you, ringing you all the time for talks and laughs, hanging out and building all that time together.

Same sex friendships are incredibly important to your own sense of who you are. if you find the majority of people you spend time with are of the opposite sex, perhaps you are feeding off an underlying sense of “this is where i find my worth” or “this makes me feel attractive”

I had a complete and utter ball last year- and was incredibly social. As well as dating more than a few men, most of my close friends were male too. I gave a lot of time, focus and energy to men, but at the same time I was feeding off the fact it felt good to hang around with all those men all the time. I felt validated, it made me feel attractive and it was in some ways a little addictive.

Near the end of last year I decided to remove many of these contacts from my life because I could see I was using those friendships as my wee little pep up squad. Instead of resourcing form inside myself to build my own strength and confidence, in some ways I was relying on theirs. So I got rid of them. – Most I just took out of my phone, while the ones I was closest too I explained why I had to stop seeing them, and stopped. COLD TURKEY.

For about a month I felt completely bereft. I had been spending so much energy on my male friendships that I didn’t have many close female friends but this year that’s changed. Last night I unexpectedly had a free night, and felt a little adrift. All the single parents out there will know those accidental free nights are a godsend. When you don’t get to spend them on something special – when you know you don’t have to budget your time cos the babysitter is on the clock, it can feel a little jarring to not have plans work out. But the coolest thing was I got all these awesome offers from girls to hang out.

In the end a friend came over in her jammies and we drank wine and tea and did a whole lot of frank girl talk and it was awesome. But the very fact I had options from a range of woman (some more established friends, and some almost brand new ones) meant I’m starting to get that balance right again. I know men love having female friends- often because they can’t get that same in depth of interaction with male friends. But I think often for a woman that deep friendship at a purely platonic level is very difficult to maintain. Having a high level of emotional intimacy with a pile of people of the opposite sex can be one of the easiest ways to quietly prevent you from creating a solid new relationship with that one special person. it might be your way of escaping a “proper” relationship.

One side effect from my own decision is that I’ve become a lot stronger in what my expectations are where men are concerned. I’m still a little wavering and still able to be hurt, but I’m getting a lot better at knowing where my boundary lines are. That has come from the female friendships I have made.

This has become my benchmark in knowing whether a relationship (either with a male or female) is healthy and doing me good: I ask myself one question “How do I feel after spending time with this person?”

Last year if felt good with all those men- when I was with them. But when I’d walk away from those moments I would have some unsettled feelings stirring around in me. I had a close female friend around the same time too- and it took a long time ot find our friendship was quietly eroding my confidence.

Now I spend more time with people who I know are authentically loving me- they don’t pamper my ego (well anymore than I pamper theirs!) and they are women I can trust. I don’t need them to reflect who I am – I can just be who I am when I am with them. Same sex friendships are incredibly important for both men and women. And for me, that has been the most life changing lesson I’ve learnt so far this year.

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