Airing Dirty Laundry
October 26, 2009 by Rachel Goodchild
Filed under Couples and Partnerships, Sex and Sexuality, abuse and violence, sexuality
A really interesting row broke out on a friend’s facebook page tonight. She was talking about how frustrated she was that a guy who had deeply hurt her was still on a dating site they had met on- and that any attempt to warn people about him was met with reactions that she was being mean, or judgemental.
I find the story below chilling- because you see in it how easy it is for someone to move into a relationship that is abusive without really realising it- and the long term effects of it.
Should she have left him the first time he crossed her boundary? Probably. Is it understandable that she didn’t? For many woman it certainly is.
Domestic violence (be is against a woman or a man, be it emotional, physical, financial, spiritual or sexual) is partly so prevalent in New Zealand be cause we DON’T talk about it. We’re told not to – if we do , it’s cause we haven’t got over it, we are not dealing with it, we are being judgemental, unforgiving, unable to move on. It’s not ok to mention it in an office, in a cafe, on a facebook page. We are not allowed to speak of it, in case it shows we are somehow unhinged or unhealed.
I disagree. Talking about domestic violence and other forms of abuse helps others to realise it is NOT OK. And that if one person can talk about how they’ve left it, survived it, moved on, then maybe one other person will listen. And while I believe we can be fully healed from near anything in life- so what if we never are? Many many people carry around physical or emotional scars, and they don’t need to make those parts like new again- they just need to work out how to prevent the injury from happening again, and how to work around the scar tissue.
I’ve copied the story below with permission from the woman. If this was your story- would you try to warn other women? If you could? Or do you think she should keep it all inside?
I was with him for 3 months just over 2 years ago…he pursued me on an internet dating site for 10 months before I gave in an met him and that was only cause a friend of mine used to hang out with him many years before…when I told her what he had been doing to me she said she thought he had a dark side but she never put her finger on what it was….
He knew before we got involved that I was NOT into anal sex…..I was in counselling when I first got involved with him for a relationship many years earlier that I had been violated sexually and psychological abuse as well….
He just tried to say I consented to it after we split up….the first time he did it to me I froze and cried afterwards and and told him to NEVER do that again…but he did many times…he would kiss me on the forehead each time he put it in there and made a point of stimulating me at the same time so I was more pliable…I won’t even allow my kids to kiss me on the forehead anymore
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Whilst its not ok to do violence, im not entirely sure that its ok to bring it up on public forums. Not because its wrong or anything else, but because generally the only people who talk about ‘i was raped’ or ‘i was beaten’ are saying so for pity and attention seeking (and believe me it happens a LOT!). Chances are if you bring it up, people will attack you, deride you, insult you, and call your bluff in general.
For a person who has been through all that, they need to look after themselves first. Whilst its great they want to help other people not get into that situation, they cant save everyone else, and they need to save themselves first. If they are even vaguely sensitive about it, bringing it up on any public forum is going to open up a box of worms for them.
And If a person has managed to get over it, that they can take the heat, then by all means they can go the posting, however chances are still high that it will get ignored, abusive, etc and generally angsty. Its a touchy topic eh?
I’m sorry, but this seems a bit stupid – she couldnt say no to anal?!?!? it’s not that hard to say no eff off!
Umm… I have to disagree with Liz. It’s never okay to commit rape or assault, inside a relationship or outside of one. And if someone has committed a crime against you, it’s your experience, and your story to tell if you so choose.
If you think your story might help someone else avoid the pain, and you’re up to sharing it, then share it, please. The longer we keep violence quiet, like a dirty little secret, then the longer we allow that violence to continue.
There are so many things that we’re not meant to share because of the stigma that someone else attaches to them. And it’s only in sharing that we find the support we need, and that we remove the stigma and hopefully reduce the problem.
I was in a relationship with a nice respectable young man. He wore a suit to work. My mother hoped I would marry him. He only touched me in anger once – but when he did it was to put his hands around my throat and squeeze. Thank god a friend (ironically, another ex) had made me take self-defence classes when I was young. I left our house that week.
Only later did I find out his ‘dirty little secret’ – his stepdad beat his mother and she never felt strong enough to leave. I lived with that guy for two years before I had a clue there was a problem. If he, or his mother, had talked about this, I might have seen some clues (and they were there, once I knew his background) before he put my life in danger.
I don’t tell that story much. But its not for fear of recrimination: I did nothing wrong (no matter how much I might have wound him up, there’s never an excuse). Luckily there’s no on in my life who feels the need to tell me I’m attention seeking or looking for pity. That kind of attitude just carries on the original abuse.
I think she was extremely brave sharing her story! It mustn’t be easy. Trying to warn others of a persons violent tendencies is a good thing to do, I know I would appreciate the information if I was meeting someone online.
We definitely need to talk about domestic abuse, maybe then more men and women will realise how bad it really is.
Liz – Do you think maybe the people that aren’t looking for pity (as you put it) don’t talk about their abuses because they’re scared of people like you saying they’re only bringing it up because they’re looking for pity and attention?
I think she is incredibly brave too to share her story. In this case when it is not him hitting her but going past her already negotiated boundaries – it is a kind of abuse that perhaps many women have experienced but in smaller ways, and we often don’t think of it as abuse. It is brave of her to open this can of worms. I feel for her.
What I worry about is her protecting herself, already she has been put through so much because of him. I see there are a few NZ guys on Womansavers.com – perhaps we need to use their rating system a bit more
That is probably a safer environment than FB.
I think that in life there are some people that want attention/pity for telling their personal stories. Then there are those that find it liberating and good to share their personal experiences in a public forum. I think with the popularity of online blogs, we will see more and more people talking about their experiences.
I talk about my own experiences, not because I want attention, or pity, however rather because I want to share my feelings and my life. People can always choose to read my blogs or not. If you meet me in person, I am exactly the same and am happy to share if it is part of the conversation. Over many years I have met a great number of people that have been through similar experiences, and being able to bring up these experiences is often a way to help people move on.
I feel that one of the biggest tragedies is when things that are wrong are kept hidden, and threats are used to keep these things hidden. I often wonder what makes another person think that they have the right to control another by using physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. No one has that right. As for the anal sex thing, sometimes when you are already psychologically damaged it becomes hard to say know, however if the situation makes you feel uncomfortable then try your best to get the hell away from someone that doesn’t respect you or your feelings.
So for me, I say if you choose to air your dirty laundry then more power to you. But, do it for the right reasons, and do be prepared for both positive and negative feedback.
Oh one more thing. If men insist on anal sex and you aren’t keen, then perhaps saying “honey I will go there if you will” is enough to put them off. A big thank you to the porn industry for making anal sex seem less painful than it is, and also making some men think that ALL women love it and want it. That’s all.
Heya Rachel, i think you misread what i said.
You pretty much said the same thing as I, just worded differently. If you are up to talking about it, and accept that not everyone is going to be sympathetic, then go for it.
Im not so great at explaining things
I think telling such stories in public is completely inappropriate. The best response after such a situation is to go to the police, we have a legal system to deal with such crimes instead of gossip websites.
Let’s use a hypothetical example: “Rachel Goodchild raped me, stay away from her”. And now to follow-up I’m going to go onto the dating website and tell every man Rachel is a rapist, and I’m going to follow her around telling everyone she meets. Aren’t I brave for telling my story? Yes!
Rachel isn’t a rapist, but the public believes she is guilty and Rachel has no way to prove her innocence. And if she was actually guilty the only true way to protect others is to get a conviction in court.
Being upset that he’s still on a dating site is foolish, unless someone has been convicted of a crime why should they have their rights taken away based on someone who’s not prepared to go to the authorities?
P.S. if she actually did go to the Police then she should send a factual message to the website administrators about his criminal past and leave it at that.
Oh she wasn’tnaming names- that’s not what this is about. this is about her being allowed to vent. what you are talking about is slander- and you can hit a few legal issues- I agree richard!
To Rachel:
I’ve read it several times and I don’t see where you think Liz says it’s okay to commit rape or assault. But I do agree with Liz that public forums aren’t a good place to bring it up unless you’re looking for attention. Getting support from your friends is one thing, but would you walk down the street and tell strangers you were raped?
The telling of your story also illustrates some psychological principles people use to justify their position. E.g. for 2 years you had no clue that he could be violent, someone who goes two years without a hint of violence is not a violent person. But you decided in retrospect that clues were there after discovering his father was violenet – you transferred someone else’s attributes onto him.
We all have buttons that can be pushed to make us violent, you used violence when violence was used against you, and you might do so again if your childen were threatened. So, yes, there are excuses for violence.
Note that you say you wound him up. People don’t get ‘wound up’ by compliments and flattery, quite the opposite, it is negative things that do the winding. When you ‘wind someone up’ you are using mental and emotional abuse against them. Is it so surprising that one type of abuse was met with another?
There is a saying among counsellours that ‘at least physical wounds heal, emotional wounds never go away’. Be careful with your words, and don’t be surprised when someone takes the emotional pain of your words and turns them into a physical pain for you. It’s karma.
Sorry Liz,
Clearly I misread your comments initially. I apologise – I wasn’t trying to get at you.
Richard,
I understand what you’re saying about transferring someone else’s traits onto a person – but it was only after my ex tried to throttle me, literally, that I realised he had a capacity for violence. He went to great efforts to try not to be violent, I guess I just pushed his buttons? I guess that’s what you’re saying – my sending out bad karma came home to roost?
But is that an excuse?
It always takes two. You’re right, we didn’t have a healthy relationship in either direction (me towards him or him towards me), and I know we’re both better off now. We have agreed on that – yes, we’ve even stayed in touch (occasionally, and after a long period with no contact). I’m sure I won’t convince you that I’m not a complete psycho – but sometimes two people just make really bad chemistry together – they’re not necessarily bad people in themselves.