I don’t think I want sex with my boyfriend anymore- help?

My partner and I have been together for almost four years and its a really
good relationship, except for one thing, sex. After the ‘honeymoon’ period
iv stopped craving sex as often, however my partner (being male) still has
cravings for it. We had a fight this morning about him wanting sex, but i
was tired and in no mood. This ended in him getting up and leaving for work
without giving me a kiss and cuddle which he normally does. I realise hes
hurt with rejection, but now, so am I. I want to be able to want sex with
him more often than once or twice a week but I just cannot find the ‘want’
inside my libido. I still find him sexually attractive but I just dont feel
like sex the way he does. I just don’t know what to do, and it upsets me when
I hurt him unintentionally. What should I do?

There is a saying for parents of young babies that goes “sleep begets sleep” The way it works is the more sleep our babies get, the easier it is to get them to sleep again.

Sex actually works the same way. To be honest the reason you have gone off sex is actually kinda your partners fault (but don’t you dare tell him that!) He actually can’t help it. But he got you, he’s secure you are secure, and so he’s stopped (quite by accident) doing all the things that make all the differnce to us girls. You probably can’t even put your finge on what those things are- it might be that he gave you little gifts, or he did stuff without asking, he’d surprise you or he’d rub your back, do the dishes…something like that. But unfortunately just cos he started it, doens’t mean he’s in the wrong. It is probably just the reason you’ve stopped being so tempted to give him what for so often.

When we are committed to someone for a long period of time we forget the relaitonship is an ongoing dance of courtship. Both sides forget this. So just like the old saying sleep begets sleep, sex begets sex. The more you have it, the more you actually want it. The thing is too us women are programmed to say no to get that seduction pattern going again. Men often either throw a tanty or sulk which we don’t find appealing and it begins a self destructive cycle. Often if they perserve in a non nagging way- and with laughter and getting us relaxed we are far more into it. But that requires him to change his behaviuor, and you aren’t in control of that so..

You need to kick start your sex life again- by saying yes. Warm yourself towards it during the day by planning to jump him and take control a little yourself. It’s a sort of fake it til you make it kind of thing. But here’s the crazy thing- your partner will then automatically (nearly always) start doing more of those things that got you attracted to him in the first place. Which then will make it easier to put you in the mood.

If that all sounds a bit too hard or there continues to be problems there are some other solutions…

1.Focus on foreplay. We get stuck in a seduction rut- which often includes doing it the same way every time (it’s business time cos it’s wednesday!) So change it up a bit. Ask to have a sex free trying to turn each other on fortnight. The challenge is to taunt or tease the other (in a GOOD way) till the want more. Get those angst feelings back again. They are fun. By the end of the fortnight you’ll be wanting sex again.

2.Talk about problem times and moments- but do it away from the bedroom! Make it in a safe place and commit to making yourself more open to it at another time- but stick to it.

3.Make yourself flirt a little more. Send him a sexy text during the day, build anticipation and you’ll find you are going to start looking forward to it too. It’s basically a case of giving you time to come around to it and convincing yourself it’s a good idea- and he’s going to love it!

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