How do I leave my violent partner?

Im 21 and I’m stuck in a relationship that I’m too weak to leave. I have
been with my partner for two years now, this has been the first serious
relationship i’ve been in and I’m in far too deep. We argue almost four
times a week with him saying really horrible things to me and about me,
sometimes he can become violent. We have ‘broken up’ so many times but
every time i let him come back after half a day. He has been sleeping at
my house basically every night since we have been together and i have
completely lost all my independence. I live alone with my 4year old son (not
my partners son) and feel as though i can’t function when my partner and i
argue and he walks out to go to his house. I cant even sleep alone at
night without going ‘crazy.’ Just recently he went to a family event and i
did not hear from him for three days and his phone was turned off. I
couldn’t sleep and was crying for that whole time, I get so worked up that
i do stupid things like go for drives at bad times. My brain just doesn’t
function and i get so focused on thinking about him. Ive realised that i
cant be with him anymore and i want to leave so bad but im so scared! I
dont know how im going to get through it without putting myself into a dark
place. I only have one friend so i can’t be surrounded by friends. I
just want to get my independence back, be happy and be strong for my boy
but im so scared!

Did you know that one in three woman are hit by their partner or have a domestically violent relationship at some point in their life? But 80% of new zealand men don’t hit, are not violent and treat their partners with respect.

Many of us have experienced it, lived in it and left it and we know how hard it is to get out. I was one of them.
Only you can decide what you want or need to do- it has to come from inside yourself. I suggest you ring SHINE as they can give you free advice and support to help you- from giving you safety numbers to fast tracking any help you’ll need form WINZ and finding a new place to live if necessary.

But as an aside I wanted to tell you a little of what I did. Everyone is different but I felt when I was reading your story it might help you a little.

I took a long time to leave. In fact I still had other children with him- as he wasn’t always violent and we had good spells. That was part of the problem, it was easy to hope it was just a one off – or a two off and it wasn’t going to happen again. But it did.

But for years I did something that helped me when I eventually did leave. I used to call it packing my suitcases. I’d visualise having a bag packed under my bed that had everything I needed. I worked out what it’s need to grab and where in the house I’d get it from. I planned who I would tell and when and how.

When I left (and I only left the once, I didn’t go back) I used this to go. I didn’t really pack a bag at all at that point, and I ended up flying to a different city to a safe place with my children, but the thinking and visualising and planning helped me

You need an escape plan. We used to tell people to leave and not understand how very hard it is to do just that- but actually the decision to leave has to come from somewhere inside yourself. No one else can tell you to leave- you’ll just keep going back if they do.

This is what people DON’T say to someone who is a domestically violent relationship. You are strong, you are resilient and you are brave. You’ve just got all those awesome attributes focussed on getting through each day, and not on getting yourself out of a bad situation.

Get on the phone with the people at shine, and begin to make a plan. You may never need it, but then again, you just might. Doing something proactive and taking charge of your life again is going to help- no matter what.

They’ll also give you some support of how to help your son- who is right now learning that how you and your partner relate is normal- and remember it isn’t. 80% of kiwi men are awesome. Best us women stick with those ones aye?

I also think you may have situational depression. I think it’s a good idea to go to a doctor and have a chat about it (but don’t go to the same doctor your partner goes to) They will also check your mental health is ok, and point you in the direction of some good support agencies ready just to help you

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