Is there ever an ok form of cheating?

I mentioned on twitter yesterday that one of the most common phrases people use to find my site is “why won’t my wife have sex with me” or some other slight derivative. I wasn’t surprised really- I think men are often perplexed when they find the sex has dropped of and can’t work out what’s happened. They have a vague worrying idea it’s their fault somehow, but anything they do seems to make it worse, and then it’s suddenly just a horrible new pattern and they seem stuck in a rut they can’t get out of.

Last year I did a piece on Breakfast about how to help your husband have an affair. I listed five things that might help him move away from his partner, or lose interest. What we didn’t talk about (but I want to this year) is why women often start to distance themselves separate from unhappiness over areas at their relationship- and are not actually speaking out about it. Sometimes I think the term “passive aggressive” was really invented to describe women at their most frustrating. We are often our own worst enemies, preferring to avoid than speak what is actually going on until it just gets so bad we actually want to leave.

I read a really interesting article today about whether physical cheating is less than emotional cheating . To be honest out of all the relationships I’ve seen break up over the years within my own circles over cheating, it’s the one where emotional connections formed more than physical ones. Many have thought that’s been the case for women in particular, who are often prepared to overlook some indiscretion if it’s not got a pile of relationship tied to it.

What this article says is that men also find that emotional connection outside of their relationship to be far worse than a physical cheat.

I think infidelity is far more common than many people recognise. It’s just where the line is made. Is an intense emotional attachment, where the thoughts shared with that person worse than a casual sex thing? Is it less so or the same?

Personally the thought a partner had moved away from me emotionally and was instead investing that time and energy into someone else’s life would be worse than a one off casual physical thing. But then I guess I’ve always thought the worst thing about cheating is the secrecy and deception- rather than the actual act of sex.

Does it make it ok? Well no. I’m not with the guys who email asking if it’s ok to have sex with someone else after their wives stop. Men need to start asking their partners what’s up and sorting it out.

What is your limit for forgiveness? Is it a strong emotional connection, a casual fling, an ongoing assignation, a long line of misdemeanors, or just too much flirting at the office party? Where does your line fall?

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