What Are Your Sticking Points?
January 30, 2010 by Rachel Goodchild
Filed under Couples and Partnerships, Dating, Singles, relationships
A couple of months ago I was having a chat to a friend about her single status. She talked to me about how when she was younger (she’s in her thirties) she had an idealised view of what her perfect match would be, and that meant she pretty much discarded a pile of potential long term partners because they didn’t meet her rather strict criteria.
I have read a pile of books on why singles shouldn’t settle. A recent article that caused a stir around he world talked about how women should look at marriage as more of a small business arrangement, and drop their romantic ideals.
I am not too sure I think that’s all too fair to relationships but I do think my friend summed it up well when she said that her viewpoint on marriage has changed- that now she is looking for someone who may have issues or problems- they are just ones that she can put up with! This she got, she said after looking at many of her friends who are now married, happy in the main, but all refreshingly honest about their partners- not perfect, but a lover, a friend and a partner they really just love having in their life.
It’s very easy to idealise relationships and think they are perfect when you are on the outside looking in. I know I’ve looked at other people’s relationships in the past, and thought they were perfect, only to later feel it was crumbling and awful for the people in it. And others that I thought were trainwrecks, instead have come to a place of real contentment and happiness, finding a relationship together that many other people would long for.
When your list of criteria of what REALLY counts is as long as your arm, and you can discount someone for one little quirk, then maybe you’ve stopped looking at it as a workable solution. I know in the last year my sticking points, the things that really count have changed. I definitely had a type, a person I would date over and over again, with a different name, but the same look and personality, and now it’s different. Which is good- because if we are still dating the same sort of person we were ten, or even twenty years ago have we really learnt anything at all?
I’d love to hear what your sticking points are- what are the things you think are your most important haves when looking at whether someone is a potential partner- and for those of you in a relationship, was there anyone thing that made you think- wow- this is the person I could spend the rest of my life with?
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Agree totally. Unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointment, no matter what the field of endeavour.
I have a long list of qualities/attributes that I’d *like* my partner to possess, but they’re mostly superficial (like rock star side burns or toned arms). The only non-negotiables are:
* intelligent (not necessarily university educated)
* kind
* faithful (kinda goes without saying)
* funny
* behaves like a proper grown up when necessary (ie he has most aspects of his life pretty much under control and has some goals and direction).
* socially and environmentally aware
They have to be smart (intelligent, not smart ass) and faithful for sure, those would be the top 2. To round it off, number 3 is they *must* have their own interests, their own things that keep them busy and occupied, things they enjoy on their own or with other friends. All of my ex’s have had the same issue, which is primarily what has come between us, and that is they have become obsessed with being in a relationship and that’s all they wanted to do 24/7 instantly. While flattering, I don’t like to be permanently attached at the hip to someone, especially not overnight! I need time out to do my stuff, or to do nothing at all, which means they have to be able to do the same. It also didn’t help that they all liked me WAY more than I liked them, and when I was younger I often went out with guys I felt sorry for, more than liked. But the same thing happened with the most recent ex and I really thought I was onto a winner there.
Oh, and I just thought of one more thing, so now it’s a top 4: they must know the difference between tact and honesty. There are times when you don’t have to say everything you’re thinking, that’s not being dishonest. That would be tact instead