GUEST BLOGGER: 7 super-romantic Valentine’s Day gestures that’ll mark you as truly original.

So it’s Valentine’s Day next week and all over Ponsonby—and maybe a couple of other parts of New Zealand, even—Kiwi men will be googling bargain bouquets of roses, best Champagne buys and last-minute motel rooms. Yes, competition is hotting up and it’s time to face up to a sad commercial truth: our long-established, strong-silent-type routine can, in these modern times, be effortlessly undermined by the well-executed swipe of a competitor’s credit card. And don’t be fooled. On Valentine’s Day every other man is a competitor—you will be compared.

The only resort left to the self-respecting local Lothario: beat ‘em at their own game. That’s where I come in: minutes of extensive research, and three unfortunate happenstances of trial and error, have given rise to this line-up of super-romantic gestures for February 14, 2010.

7. Make it plain with a plane. I know what you’re thinking. How can using skywriting be original when the technique was invented in 1919? And you have a point. So it’s lucky for both of us that this is only Gesture #7. But before you get all, “What does this guy know?” and “I may’s well throw in my His-embroidered towel right now”, I want to get one thing straight: the medium is only part of the message. Where you’re going to shine like the newly-shaved pate of a premature male pattern baldness sufferer is in the content. Trust me: sophisticated words arranged within rhyming couplets will work like a charm. Go Continental with “enamour” and “paramour”—or opt for the more evocative “Ganges” and “phalanges” if she’s travel-minded. (What, you want me to fill in the blanks? Come on, man. Put some skin in the game.) Admittedly this is a weather-dependent initiative, so you’ll need access to a good long-range weather forecast site.

6. And speaking of skin in the game. Nothing, but nothing, says commitment like an elaborate, expansive and—most importantly—eternal tattoo. Yes, you can achieve almost the same aesthetic effect with a faked, ballpoint pen version—but it’s the permanence that counts. If you want to make the kind of impression that pays back in spades (and other intriguing devices), only the real deal will do. Okay, I hear you. You have a Y chromosome. You’re constitutionally unsuited to commitment. Fear not: almost every name can be modified by a skilled tattooist: JANE to DUANE (you can always pretend you have a twin brother), SUE to SUBWAY (think of the sponsorship possibilities); RACHEL to BACHELOR (it’ll read as a challenge to future conquests)…

5. Suck it up. Never underestimate the power of a precision-timed domestic chore. This is an opportunity to turn your reputation as the antithesis of the Sensitive New-Age guy to your advantage: grasp the element of surprise. In fact, let’s take the war analogy a step further and discuss strategy. Washing her smalls is just going to make you appear creepy. But get suction involved and you may just find yourself fending off impassioned advances faster than you can say “corner nozzle”. Particularly if you pay attention to your form: consistent rhythm and smooth, confident strokes are the order of the day.

4. Tiger by the tail. Kittens are so last Christmas. Puppies, limpid-eyed as they are, might bring out her glow, but they grow into overweight, halitosis-ridden hair shedding factories with appalling bedroom etiquette. Mice are for PCs or cheapskates. No, if you want to make a statement, get her a tiger. Tigers are elegant. They’re powerful. They’re unpredictable and dangerous. In other words, they’re a great metaphor for the kind of relationship you’re likely to have together. You can personalize the gift by tying a ribbon round your gift’s neck. Just be sure to have plenty of extra ribbon handy for use as tourniquets. True, tigers aren’t all that easy to come by. But I thought that was the point, Mr. I Don’t Want To Settle For Rob’s Discount Daisies.

3. What for art thou, Romeo? Think of chainsaw sculptures and what comes to mind? That’s right: the irresistible combination of machismo and sensitivity. Now, for the right Valentine’s Day tone you’ll want to choose your subject matter wisely: a Venus de Milo says “I couldn’t be bothered with fingers”—and what red-blooded man wants to get embroiled in the fiddly bits on a Michelangelo’s David? Cubism is a useful fallback if proportion’s not your thing, but it could also be considered a cop-out. We are, after all, a pastoral nation. What says “I’m grabbing this relationship with both hands” better than a generously uddered Friesian? Varnish well.

2. Kitchen confident. He may be cuisine’s bad boy, but celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain is guaranteed to bring rock’n’roll romanticism to your Valentine’s Day. So hiring him for a day will set you back a few thousand bucks—what price a few forkfuls of foodilicious foreplay? Although, bearing in mind the impression you intend your investment to make, you might request that Anthony leaves the Unwashed Namibian Warthog Rectum off the menu. Unless, that is, you worry the lady in question might find his rakish recipe-mongering a little too attractive and are happy to see him hoist with his own petard. (If she’s keener on Jamie Oliver then we think it’s high time you stopped dating 17-year-olds and started considering partners born within a decade of your own nativity.)

1. Where there’s love, there’s Hope. We’re not talking your piddling quarter-carat fragment of rock here. If it’s head-over-heels you want, the 45.5 carats of Hope Diamond is a sure thing. There might even be arses and kites involved. Of course, there is a hitch. Unless you have a preternatural gift for heist-planning, extremely deft acrobatic skills and a superpower or two, you may’ve left this one too late, for this year anyway. The world’s most famous diamond is housed in the Smithsonian Institution where it’s alarmingly well guarded. But get a hold of this baby and you’ll prove yourself not only more brilliant than the many heist-meisters that have gone before you, but also breath-takingly daring—the diamond’s infamous curse has claimed the life of everyone that has coveted it. Which is perfect if you think about it, because that’s what Valentine’s Day boils down to. Guts, glory and just generally blowing every other guy out of the water. Even if it kills you.

Bio:
Daniel Thurston is creative director of Auckland branding agency, 4i’s, a director of three other privately owned companies, the co-host of The Social Media Soirée. Daniel lives in Auckland with wife of 20 years, Deirdre, and their 18-year-old son, Tomas, who regards his father as totally unqualified to write about any aspect of romance. Probably with good reason.

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