Are you grieving?

In my work I often get to observe people in varying stages of their life, just trying to do the ordinary things when they’ve been just met with something extraordinary and terrible- such as the death of a close personal friend or relative, or a big relationship break up.
It’s got to the point where the behaviour of these people is so familiar, that I can often tell if there is something like that going on before it’s disclosed to me- whether it’s part of the day’s theme or not.
What is common to these people is things we see in people everyday- but may think is because they are “difficult” or “prickly” – it’s simply grief pouring out as their body adjusts.

These are some of the common signs I have noticed:
* Jittery movements, and the inability to sit still, often preferring to stand rather than sit, and move.
* Applying everything talked about to an over-personal level, relating it always to their own experience
*Throwing in non sequitors or leading others to give the opportunity to share the journey they are going through.
*Using a topic (no matter what it is) to disagree firmly, to allow emotion to come out at a “reasonable moment”

We see these behaviours from people all the time- and often think it means someone is being difficult, unhinged, or just plain weird. What it is is the person needing extra love and attention to help bathe the wounds they’ve experienced, drawing people into their pain to help share it, even if they don’t want to express both the cause and actual presence of their pain.

To help people in grief, it’s enough often to just let them draw you in, allow them to involve you in argument to help release that extra pain without taking it personally, to just let your life happen around them without making them feel they have to be involved in the same way, and allowing people to just progress through the journey, without making them feel they have to just “fit in” for a time. Then the person in grief can start to find their healing inside and move on.

Being near “normal” life is very important for someone who is experiencing loss. Having to be normal in a normal life however is near impossible and should not be expected while the wounds are still raw. For us people who are not grieving- the best gift we can give is to accept and allow them someone to display their grief without judgement, understanding we all move through it at different points in our lives.

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