BREAKFAST: How to pick up your relationship after an affair

Yesterday I spoke on Breakfast with Paul Henry about how to rebuild a relationship after there has been cheating.

Many people often say that they’d break up with thier partner if they ever found they were cheating, but once in that situation, they find it can be a little more complicated than that. If you are aware that things are not good between you in other areas, or you can see there are other positives that feel bigger than the affair and cheating, you may consider to try and work through it

The person who has been cheated on is the person who gets to choose whether they want to work on it out not. They are the injured party, and it has to be about how they feel. If you’ve been the cheater, then it’s really important to not put pressure on your partner to try and get them to come around. It’s a little too much work, too late.

It is hard. It’s about establishing trust, about getting communication going again, and about creating an environment where it’s safe for you both to continue to trust again. The cheater has to be prepared to renege a few areas where they were trusted for a time. This may include having expectations of checking where they are, checking in, and even sometimes phones etc. Sometimes sleeping in different bedrooms or moving out can help. Essentially the person who has been cheated on needs to be wooed back too. It can be quite a process to reachieve it.

It’s very important to get external help for you as a couple, and then individually. Affairs are often caused by personal identity issues, and men in particular use them as a last ditch “cry for help” to get areas of their life sorted. Counselling can also help you decide if there is enough left in your relationship to stay or if you may feel better to separate

A lack of trust can disintegrate a relationship beyond repair. While trust does need to be earned, ongoing trust issues are no longer about the affair, but about your ability to accept and move on. Even if you cannot trust your partner, you need to get help to learn to trust or it will impact every other relationship you have.

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