Ask Rachel » abuse and violence

LOVELY BONES: Fighting for Control

Rachel Goodchild — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:13:54 +0000

I’m going to write about how awesome the whole NZ premiere was in a separate post, but I wanted to talk about the movie itself first.
It took me a year of the book on my shelf before I could drum up the courage to read it. In part because its chief protagonist, shares the same name as my eldest daughter. That would normally be a draw card, but not when it’s about her rape and murder at the age of fourteen.
The book at all times drew me to it, and repulsed me. I wanted at once to desperately to stop reading it, and keep on running over the words to find some solace, some respite from the horrid nightmare the family faced as Susie watches them, living in the same street as her killer.
I’ve heard there have been mixed reviews about the movie, but while I wouldn’t say I enjoyed the movie, I think it is because, like any movie the transition from book to screen is a very difficult one. Especially one that brings such a strong sense of emotion to it. As it stands however : The casting? Excellent. The filmography? Stunning. The music? Fitting. The imagery? Amazing. (My sister and I were both moved by a scene of ships in bottles tossed on a West Coast beach, and the crumbling decay of an in between world.)
However the desire to ever ever EVER see it again?- pretty much non existant. There were points where if it were not for the fact I was 1. In a premiere and it would have been very bad taste, and 2, in the middle of a row in incredibly high heels and leaving had a 78% chance of inflicting harm to my ankles, or my dress, I really desired to run from it.
To me, in the end, that is a measure of the movie’s success. It provoked exactly the same reaction in me as I had when I read the book. – which I have also never felt moved to read again. I felt physically ill at the end, my body was still shaking, but I also carried with me a sense of how very beautiful the movie was, and oh how I wanted to magically appear in my children’s bedrooms and hug them, and hold them and love them.
Did I like the movie? Not really. But did I think it was a beautiful movie and beautifully constructed? Completely.

When I thought about what caused me to not like the story I realised it’s due, in part, to my love of control. I prefer to have evrything where I can see it, safe and protected. I keep my friendship circles small for that reason, I enjoy the routine of sameness, I like things to be ordered (even in it’s messy creativeness!)
But life isn’t something we can control every minute. We can plan and create and dream, but there are so many factors that do not fall under our ability to change. And sometimes, when it matters most, we don’t get to see the resolution of someone’s wrong to us, we do not get to serve on them the justice we crave, we do not get to light up what was always in the dark.
At some point there needs to be a letting go, a relaxing into the wind of fortune, and knowing that we can move on from whatever terribleness we experience. And this movie, The Lovely Bones is about this release. Sometimes fighting for control is all we can do, but is never going to provide us with a win.

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How do I leave my violent partner?

Rachel Goodchild — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:39:11 +0000

Im 21 and I’m stuck in a relationship that I’m too weak to leave. I have
been with my partner for two years now, this has been the first serious
relationship i’ve been in and I’m in far too deep. We argue almost four
times a week with him saying really horrible things to me and about me,
sometimes he can become violent. We have ‘broken up’ so many times but
every time i let him come back after half a day. He has been sleeping at
my house basically every night since we have been together and i have
completely lost all my independence. I live alone with my 4year old son (not
my partners son) and feel as though i can’t function when my partner and i
argue and he walks out to go to his house. I cant even sleep alone at
night without going ‘crazy.’ Just recently he went to a family event and i
did not hear from him for three days and his phone was turned off. I
couldn’t sleep and was crying for that whole time, I get so worked up that
i do stupid things like go for drives at bad times. My brain just doesn’t
function and i get so focused on thinking about him. Ive realised that i
cant be with him anymore and i want to leave so bad but im so scared! I
dont know how im going to get through it without putting myself into a dark
place. I only have one friend so i can’t be surrounded by friends. I
just want to get my independence back, be happy and be strong for my boy
but im so scared!

Did you know that one in three woman are hit by their partner or have a domestically violent relationship at some point in their life? But 80% of new zealand men don’t hit, are not violent and treat their partners with respect.

Many of us have experienced it, lived in it and left it and we know how hard it is to get out. I was one of them.
Only you can decide what you want or need to do- it has to come from inside yourself. I suggest you ring SHINE as they can give you free advice and support to help you- from giving you safety numbers to fast tracking any help you’ll need form WINZ and finding a new place to live if necessary.

But as an aside I wanted to tell you a little of what I did. Everyone is different but I felt when I was reading your story it might help you a little.

I took a long time to leave. In fact I still had other children with him- as he wasn’t always violent and we had good spells. That was part of the problem, it was easy to hope it was just a one off – or a two off and it wasn’t going to happen again. But it did.

But for years I did something that helped me when I eventually did leave. I used to call it packing my suitcases. I’d visualise having a bag packed under my bed that had everything I needed. I worked out what it’s need to grab and where in the house I’d get it from. I planned who I would tell and when and how.

When I left (and I only left the once, I didn’t go back) I used this to go. I didn’t really pack a bag at all at that point, and I ended up flying to a different city to a safe place with my children, but the thinking and visualising and planning helped me

You need an escape plan. We used to tell people to leave and not understand how very hard it is to do just that- but actually the decision to leave has to come from somewhere inside yourself. No one else can tell you to leave- you’ll just keep going back if they do.

This is what people DON’T say to someone who is a domestically violent relationship. You are strong, you are resilient and you are brave. You’ve just got all those awesome attributes focussed on getting through each day, and not on getting yourself out of a bad situation.

Get on the phone with the people at shine, and begin to make a plan. You may never need it, but then again, you just might. Doing something proactive and taking charge of your life again is going to help- no matter what.

They’ll also give you some support of how to help your son- who is right now learning that how you and your partner relate is normal- and remember it isn’t. 80% of kiwi men are awesome. Best us women stick with those ones aye?

I also think you may have situational depression. I think it’s a good idea to go to a doctor and have a chat about it (but don’t go to the same doctor your partner goes to) They will also check your mental health is ok, and point you in the direction of some good support agencies ready just to help you

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It’s good to watch the danger signals

Rachel Goodchild — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:31:46 +0000

After posting the story of one violent relationship I was sent another story.
I wonder about publishing these- but I think it is important. We need to feel we can share our story with someone and for many there are danger signals, a gut in our stomach feeling things aren’t right, but we ignore it.

The person in the story below was lucky her ignoring the signs didn’t cost her her life, though it has left her with a life changed forever:

I met Greg through a mutual friend, and shortly after meeting, he started to stay with me for long periods, when he didn’t have his daughter. Although he was a business professional (as I had been until recently), with a good job and plenty of capital in the bank, he had been living with his Mother, to make it easier when he had his daughter to stay.

Greg was intelligent, charming, and just a little bit goofy, although not much to look at. He would often buy me little gifts and everytime he came to stay, would bring lots of groceries, as I was on a budget. He would text, email and call me several times a day while he was at work, to declare his undying love. He was quite a big drinker, and although this concerned me, I am not adverse to a few nice wines myself, so I didn’t think much of it. Several months after we had been together, we had a mild disagreement which concluded in him throwing his plate of food and glass across the room. This started to happen more and more often, and he would seemingly fly into a rage at the drop of a hat and then claim he couldn’t remember it happening. I requested we attend couples counselling, and he agreed. The couseller was wonderful, and quickly honed in on the temper issue, suggesting that Greg go to his GP and ask about medication to curb the anger, as well as more specific psychological counselling. Greg was subsequently put onto medication, which seemed to work for a while.

One day, after we had been together for nearly a year, Greg lost his temper again. It was only screaming and hitting the dashboard of the car, which we were in at the time, but I asked (when he had calmed down) why the medication didn’t seem to be working anymore. He replied that he had run out and hadn’t got around to getting another prescription, and that when he took the medication and also drank heavily in the evenings, it would make him sleepy at work. Obviously, I was very concerned that he would choose alcohol over my safety, but he promised to renew the prescription asap.

The next evening, Greg was drinking heavily and I kept imploring him to come to bed, which he didn’t want to. The next thing I knew, I was in hospital, having suffered multiple fractures to my face, a broken nose and a brain haemorrhage. The police later told me that they had found me on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood, and the woman from “Preventing Violence in the Home” said that it was the worst attack they had seen in years.

After suffering subsequent seizures from the brain injury, I am forbidden for driving for one year, I still (6 months later) have residual bruising a swelling on my face. My nose will have to be re-broken and fixed, and I’m told it will be a long time (if ever) for me to get back to the way I was before the brain injury.

Greg pleaded “not guilty” at his first Court appearance, and it looks like he is going to maintain that plea. The police prosecutor is adamant that he will go to prison (it being his second conviction – something of which I was unaware), however it is likely that I will have to go through the horror of giving evidence at a full jury trial next year. Greg’s own lawyer is trying to get him to plead guilty, but I doubt he will be successful, judging by the way Greg’s last conviction went for assault against his ex-wife.

Although I am a “get on with it” person, and normally recover from the things that life throws at you (no pun intended) very quickly, this experience has really affected me greatly (I’m just starting to admit that now), and I will obviously have ongoing problems throughout my recovery period.

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Shining a light on Domestic Violence

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:56:42 +0000

For a long time I’ve wanted to help people who find themselves in domestically abusive relationships. I say abusive rather than violent as we tend to think of violence as something that is just punches, blows and kicks. However abuse can be emotional, spiritual (using faith as an excuse to treat someone badly), or economic too, as well as sexual.

Of course much is said of heterosexual relationships where the man is the perpetrator. But I’ve known men who have been abused by women (far more than is reported and they find it very difficult to get police support, and of course in homosexual and lesbian relationships.

People often say the person abused is weak for staying. They often have very little understand at how slowly the abuse process can take to come to full fruition. It’s a bit like the frog in the pot of water- it might start with the odd remark until it’s become birthed into full flown beat-ups and death threats.

I got the following story-and the guy who wrote it has allowed me to repost it here- it’s a gay relationship, and shows just one story of a person who has chosen not to talk about it publicly or lay charges and why.

If you are in a domestically violent relationship or think you know someone who is, I suggest you visit www.2shine.org.nz . I like them as they focus on positive stories, and real results. If you are looking at it from home and are in danger, please remember to clear your history after you’ve looked at their website.

I had always been one of those people who believed that if someone in a relationship ever hurt me mentally or physically I would be out that door in a flash. That was until it happened.

I had been living with and dating ‘Chris’ for about 4 months when things started to change. It wasn’t too bad at the beginning…what am I saying, all violence is bad. What I mean is, in comparison to what was to come, it wasn’t as bad.

As the months past, things really did fall to pieces and there was a very high level of violence in the relationship. For some reason, as stupid as it seems now, I never fought back. I was still very much in love with Chris and I would repeatedly tell myself that things would get better, and it was just a phase. I used to just wait for the violence to stop because then would come the short lived affection from Chris who was obviously feeling guilty. I needed to feel that so called love from him.

How long did I, a smart, intelligent, caring guy put up with such a relationship? I wish I could say that I walked out that door like I always believed I would. But I didn’t. I stuck around for 3 years. At the end of those 3 years it was physically and emotionally impossible to continue with the relationship.

It was the night of my birthday when one extremely violent episode finally forced me to take control and end the relationship. I woke up and calmly told Chris that we needed a break and that he would have to move out. I went with the “break” option because it was less likely to have him fly off the handle again. I had no intention of getting back with him once I had made the brave move of beginning to cut ties.

The weeks that followed were messy for many reasons. There was stalking, theft and the odd violent outburst whenever he saw me in public with anyone else.

Let’s fast forward to the present day. I still see Chris occasionally; you can’t avoid it in this town. None of my friends really know what happened and why we broke up. I kept it very quiet. When I have spoken to friends about it, they tend to not believe me. To look at he seems more likely to make daisy chains sitting in a field than throw a punch.

To the question of whether this has affected me. The short and obvious answer is yes.
My confidence levels aren’t the best and I am very shy. I don’t trust guys that I meet very easily. I’ll get there eventually. I’ll be one of those people who if someone ever hurt me mentally or physically I would be out that door in a flash.

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Airing Dirty Laundry

Rachel Goodchild — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:04:46 +0000

A really interesting row broke out on a friend’s facebook page tonight. She was talking about how frustrated she was that a guy who had deeply hurt her was still on a dating site they had met on- and that any attempt to warn people about him was met with reactions that she was being mean, or judgemental.

I find the story below chilling- because you see in it how easy it is for someone to move into a relationship that is abusive without really realising it- and the long term effects of it.
Should she have left him the first time he crossed her boundary? Probably. Is it understandable that she didn’t? For many woman it certainly is.

Domestic violence (be is against a woman or a man, be it emotional, physical, financial, spiritual or sexual) is partly so prevalent in New Zealand be cause we DON’T talk about it. We’re told not to – if we do , it’s cause we haven’t got over it, we are not dealing with it, we are being judgemental, unforgiving, unable to move on. It’s not ok to mention it in an office, in a cafe, on a facebook page. We are not allowed to speak of it, in case it shows we are somehow unhinged or unhealed.

I disagree. Talking about domestic violence and other forms of abuse helps others to realise it is NOT OK. And that if one person can talk about how they’ve left it, survived it, moved on, then maybe one other person will listen. And while I believe we can be fully healed from near anything in life- so what if we never are? Many many people carry around physical or emotional scars, and they don’t need to make those parts like new again- they just need to work out how to prevent the injury from happening again, and how to work around the scar tissue.

I’ve copied the story below with permission from the woman. If this was your story- would you try to warn other women? If you could? Or do you think she should keep it all inside?
I was with him for 3 months just over 2 years ago…he pursued me on an internet dating site for 10 months before I gave in an met him and that was only cause a friend of mine used to hang out with him many years before…when I told her what he had been doing to me she said she thought he had a dark side but she never put her finger on what it was….

He knew before we got involved that I was NOT into anal sex…..I was in counselling when I first got involved with him for a relationship many years earlier that I had been violated sexually and psychological abuse as well….

He just tried to say I consented to it after we split up….the first time he did it to me I froze and cried afterwards and and told him to NEVER do that again…but he did many times…he would kiss me on the forehead each time he put it in there and made a point of stimulating me at the same time so I was more pliable…I won’t even allow my kids to kiss me on the forehead anymore

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Is it ever ok to sleep with someone underage?

Rachel Goodchild — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:02:24 +0000

I’ve had one of those awful days where the same theme keeps on appearing. First a book called Where Angels Fear arrived from Hachette yesterday morning and I picked it out to rifle through during brekkie today. It’s written by two women Shy Keenan and Sara Payne about their work with survivors of child abuse- one a woman who was brutally sexually raped and assaulted by her step father and a ring of child abusers for most of her childhood, and the other a mother of an eight year old who was taken, raped and murdered.

Not happy reading in any shape or form

Then I found myself reading about Roman Polanski and the case against him in the Herald- it wasn’t the article that made me react but the comments below, where someone asked if it was fair for him to have his life disrupted for something he did to a thirteen year old in 1977 when he’s contributed so much to the world since.

I always find it interesting how we as people decide that a shameful act is less when that person has done something creative or is a successful business owner as well. Does that reduce the personal loss to the victim?

We love to place our own judgement on how child molesters, violent partners, cheaters, abusers, and rapists should be. They are poor, unclean, uneducated people. Or are they? Could it be that the people that do those things cna also be well dressed, successful, smart and well educated. And if they are those things, does that give them an out?

Is it ever ok to have sex with someone underage? When does it become ok? Does having more money, more success or more clout make the matter ok?

In the book the authors talk about the fact that paedophiles use our angers to stop us actually doing anytihng to help victims. I agree about that. However we also often are so blase about events if it involves a well known figure that the person the act was committed against loses their voice, and loses the support they need.

So what do you think? How is it ever ok to have sex with a child? A young girl or boy? A teen? Where is the line?

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Why do we get angry?

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 23:04:24 +0000

It can be an explosive and dangerous emotion, and for that reason we often work hard to not let it show. Anger however is a completely natural and normal reaction. Learning to manage our anger is one of the hardest skills especially if we haven’t had clear help doing so as a child.

Many people (particularly women) learn to suppress and deny their anger, which can lead to chronic stress, over eating, and addictive behaviours to help us stomp on our emotions.
If you know you have a problem with over reacting, or you can’t remember the last time you felt any anger at all (which may mean you can no longer identify the emotion and are suppressing it completely) then it might be time to take a look at how to display anger in a healthy and proactive manner.

Anger is often a trigger to some unrelated event or can be a secondary emotion to whatever we are actually going through. We’ll often flare up at someone close to us, rather than argue with that work colleague who stomped on our foot in the lift be accident. This passing on of the anger can then cause a domino effect, passing the anger onto someone who didn’t deserve it, which then may react to that anger with anger of their own.

Often we feel anger when our personal value is threatened. If you feel angry in a situation, it can be good to ask yourself; “Am I angry because I feel misrepresented and unaccepted?”

Anger can also be misinterpreted by us as sadness. We can feel the most angry when we feel someone is not listening to our point of view, when we feel uncertain or powerless, or when we are frustrated with something that feels like an unmoveable force.

So if you know you have a problem with anger, how can you get on top of it?
Here are some simple tips to make sure the anger you have remains at a healthy and natural level:

1. Name it, own if and be aware of it.
This is one of the biggest steps. It’s a little like someone not realising how much junk food they were eating until they write it all down. Recognise the problem and tell yourself you are feeling anger.
2. Communicate it appropriately
Sometimes just telling someone in a quiet, clear voice that you are angry is enough to manage it. Explaining to someone that you are feeling angry but it is not connected to them can also be an effective tool in not passing it on to someone who isn’t the real recipient of it.
3. Tell yourself you are in control
Anger doesn’t need to own us. Remind yourself it’s a normal and natural feeling but acting it out with abusive language, violence, shouting and intimidation is not.
4. Learn how to self distract
I call this time out for grown ups. Take yourself away from the place of your anger, and go for a walk, dance it out, talk to a friend, or unwind with a café coffee. Sometimes anger flares up when we feel unappreciated, so appreciate yourself
5. Focus on empathy.
If we look at how the other party must feel, or why they may be acting in such a way to make you angry, we often notice that it might not have been about us at all. Perhaps they just passed with own anger over, and you weren’t at fault at all. Or something else that is far bigger than your situation is around. Whatever it is, try and empathise, and let compassion take over your feelings of anger.

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We’re all a little bit insecure

Rachel Goodchild — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 10:23:23 +0000

I’ve been thinking about confidence a bit recently. People see me as a confident person- and in many areas I am. Didn’t use to be of course. I just one day started a bit of a journey of “fake it til you make it”; to try and bolster my confidence, found it wasn’t as scary as I found to completely crash and burn and it got a whole lot easier.

I definitely still have waves of a lack of confidence. I’m pretty normal until I start sleeping with someone- and then I can turn into one of those horrid people needing reassurance for a few days or so to make sure it’s all going ok. Since I’ve been aware of it I’ve become better- I will hit up my friends a bit more and they let me hear all the melodramas going on ad infinitum til i come right again

I think we forget we all suffer from confidence battles in one way or another. I’ve been interviewing women about body image- and some damn beautiful women obsess about their bodies. What they are often obsessing about is whether people will accept them for anything less than perfection.

The previous post on this blog was about having fuck off written on your forehead and a reader wrote an amazing post on her own blog about it- thought you might like to read it. I found it really touching.

It’s the same thing. Our concern that people won’t like us actually stops us from finding out if they will at all. If you are yourself, freely and completely and happily and someone doesn’t like you for that when then…. really is that friendship one that fits in with your goals and personality? In other words- do they even have good taste?

Everyone has insecure moments. The trick is to not live your life by them.

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I have “fuck off” tattooed on my forehead

Rachel Goodchild — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:41:51 +0000

I was talking to a good friend the other day about why some people can feel unnoticed and passed over all the time. And I was explaining that sometimes it’s because without even realising it, we’ve written a big “go away and leave me alone” sign on our heads, which makes everyone keep their distance.

She said she had experienced this herself- and I asked her to write about her experiences- I think it’s an amazing story

For the longest time, I’ve seen men as a threat to my peace of mind
and to my body.

Watching my mother go through bad man after bad man – and being a
victim of sexual abuse myself – it was easy to fall into sexual
promiscuity and to harden my heart to men. I lived that way for years,
and although I stopped sleeping around, my heart remained untouchable.
Despite deep longings to be loved completely, my lack of wholeness and
self respect forced me to hold good men at arm’s length.

Things started to spiral. I wore clothes that deferred my sexuality
rather then celebrated it. I lived to work. I retreated further and
further into my own world of fantastic chick friends, and safe home
life. And worst of all, I lied to myself and said I liked my life the
way it was.

But deep down it grated. And the more counselling I got and the more I
healed, the more my lonliness and brokenness became unacceptable to
me.

Recently I randomly joked to a friend that I had ‘fuck off’ tattooed
on my forehead and it was stopping me from meeting guys. She looked me
dead in the eye and told me I did, and that it did put guys off
talking to me. She said that the way I dressed, my body language, and
my demeanor all screamed it out. And despite my longings to open
myself up and meet someone lovely, I was putting men off before they
had a chance.

For so long I had been telling myself so many lies that at first I
just nodded and shut my ears. But once I got home, I realized what she
had said had burrowed its way into my heart. It hurt, it hurt a lot,
but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I had been pushing people away subconsciously. I had been waiting for
someone to fight their way through my defences, and thinking that if
they didn’t they were not worth my time. But that was a lie. Many of
us are the walking wounded, and a strong fuck off signal is enough to
send a stranger packing.

So what now? What do I do with my new found knowledge?

I’m taking baby steps. I’m learning to flirt in a safe way. I’m
letting myself enjoy male company, rather then assuming they wanted to
use me and run. I’m learning that my body is my friend, that sexiness
is fun, and that not all guys are users and abusers.

And I’m learning that friends who risk the friendship to tell the hard
truths are very, very precious indeed.

If you have “fuck off” on your forehead, go wash it off and put up another sign saying “hope I get to know you” Either that, or take responsibility for your own aloneness. Sometimes we do need that time alone, but it’s not meant to be a lifetime lifestyle.

If you are wondering why you are not connecting with anyone, it’s not the people around you that are at fault.

What do you have on your forehead?

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Stop hitting me!

Rachel Goodchild — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:21:47 +0000

Above is a shocking link that Keira Knightly has made on domestic violence.

I watched this with really mixed feelings. I am honestly not sure- no matter how shocking this was, at how effective this sort of advertising is for people actually caught in this situation.

I remember watching a similar Women’s Refuge advertisement about five years ago when I was still married- and it caused problems. I was beginning to start to fight back a bit- not with physical violence- but I was getting stronger in myself and was asked on my comments on the ad. I said it was awesome to see advertisements that helped women who needed the help- and the response was not good…. I received a violent act for my reply.

I do think advertising is important to help people understand any cause- to me the only ones that have got it right was the “It’s not ok” campaign that got people talking, and thinking

We tell our children that to stop violence we shouldn’t react with violence… then we use violence in advertising to try and shock us into stopping violence in the homes? Doesn’t really make sense….

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