The only resort left to the self-respecting local Lothario: beat ‘em at their own game. That’s where I come in: minutes of extensive research, and three unfortunate happenstances of trial and error, have given rise to this line-up of super-romantic gestures for February 14, 2010.

7. Make it plain with a plane. I know what you’re thinking. How can using skywriting be original when the technique was invented in 1919? And you have a point. So it’s lucky for both of us that this is only Gesture #7. But before you get all, “What does this guy know?” and “I may’s well throw in my His-embroidered towel right now”, I want to get one thing straight: the medium is only part of the message. Where you’re going to shine like the newly-shaved pate of a premature male pattern baldness sufferer is in the content. Trust me: sophisticated words arranged within rhyming couplets will work like a charm. Go Continental with “enamour” and “paramour”—or opt for the more evocative “Ganges” and “phalanges” if she’s travel-minded. (What, you want me to fill in the blanks? Come on, man. Put some skin in the game.) Admittedly this is a weather-dependent initiative, so you’ll need access to a good long-range weather forecast site.

6. And speaking of skin in the game. Nothing, but nothing, says commitment like an elaborate, expansive and—most importantly—eternal tattoo. Yes, you can achieve almost the same aesthetic effect with a faked, ballpoint pen version—but it’s the permanence that counts. If you want to make the kind of impression that pays back in spades (and other intriguing devices), only the real deal will do. Okay, I hear you. You have a Y chromosome. You’re constitutionally unsuited to commitment. Fear not: almost every name can be modified by a skilled tattooist: JANE to DUANE (you can always pretend you have a twin brother), SUE to SUBWAY (think of the sponsorship possibilities); RACHEL to BACHELOR (it’ll read as a challenge to future conquests)…

5. Suck it up. Never underestimate the power of a precision-timed domestic chore. This is an opportunity to turn your reputation as the antithesis of the Sensitive New-Age guy to your advantage: grasp the element of surprise. In fact, let’s take the war analogy a step further and discuss strategy. Washing her smalls is just going to make you appear creepy. But get suction involved and you may just find yourself fending off impassioned advances faster than you can say “corner nozzle”. Particularly if you pay attention to your form: consistent rhythm and smooth, confident strokes are the order of the day.

4. Tiger by the tail. Kittens are so last Christmas. Puppies, limpid-eyed as they are, might bring out her glow, but they grow into overweight, halitosis-ridden hair shedding factories with appalling bedroom etiquette. Mice are for PCs or cheapskates. No, if you want to make a statement, get her a tiger. Tigers are elegant. They’re powerful. They’re unpredictable and dangerous. In other words, they’re a great metaphor for the kind of relationship you’re likely to have together. You can personalize the gift by tying a ribbon round your gift’s neck. Just be sure to have plenty of extra ribbon handy for use as tourniquets. True, tigers aren’t all that easy to come by. But I thought that was the point, Mr. I Don’t Want To Settle For Rob’s Discount Daisies.

3. What for art thou, Romeo? Think of chainsaw sculptures and what comes to mind? That’s right: the irresistible combination of machismo and sensitivity. Now, for the right Valentine’s Day tone you’ll want to choose your subject matter wisely: a Venus de Milo says “I couldn’t be bothered with fingers”—and what red-blooded man wants to get embroiled in the fiddly bits on a Michelangelo’s David? Cubism is a useful fallback if proportion’s not your thing, but it could also be considered a cop-out. We are, after all, a pastoral nation. What says “I’m grabbing this relationship with both hands” better than a generously uddered Friesian? Varnish well.

2. Kitchen confident. He may be cuisine’s bad boy, but celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain is guaranteed to bring rock’n’roll romanticism to your Valentine’s Day. So hiring him for a day will set you back a few thousand bucks—what price a few forkfuls of foodilicious foreplay? Although, bearing in mind the impression you intend your investment to make, you might request that Anthony leaves the Unwashed Namibian Warthog Rectum off the menu. Unless, that is, you worry the lady in question might find his rakish recipe-mongering a little too attractive and are happy to see him hoist with his own petard. (If she’s keener on Jamie Oliver then we think it’s high time you stopped dating 17-year-olds and started considering partners born within a decade of your own nativity.)

1. Where there’s love, there’s Hope. We’re not talking your piddling quarter-carat fragment of rock here. If it’s head-over-heels you want, the 45.5 carats of Hope Diamond is a sure thing. There might even be arses and kites involved. Of course, there is a hitch. Unless you have a preternatural gift for heist-planning, extremely deft acrobatic skills and a superpower or two, you may’ve left this one too late, for this year anyway. The world’s most famous diamond is housed in the Smithsonian Institution where it’s alarmingly well guarded. But get a hold of this baby and you’ll prove yourself not only more brilliant than the many heist-meisters that have gone before you, but also breath-takingly daring—the diamond’s infamous curse has claimed the life of everyone that has coveted it. Which is perfect if you think about it, because that’s what Valentine’s Day boils down to. Guts, glory and just generally blowing every other guy out of the water. Even if it kills you.

Bio:
Daniel Thurston is creative director of Auckland branding agency, 4i’s, a director of three other privately owned companies, the co-host of The Social Media Soirée. Daniel lives in Auckland with wife of 20 years, Deirdre, and their 18-year-old son, Tomas, who regards his father as totally unqualified to write about any aspect of romance. Probably with good reason.

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Today I spoke on Breakfast with Paul Henry- and you can watch me in action here.

For a more full version of what we spoke about read on…

 Kiwi men, charming and lovely as you are, are sometimes not the best at getting the dating thing right. But us girls- we like a bit of wining and dining and time set aside to show us you mean business and you really do like us. 

If you want to get a girl, but don’t really have a lot of luck on it, these tips are sure to make your date stand out (in a good way!) 

1. Ask her out on a date. This sounds basic but you’d be surprised how many men don’t do this. They try to do casual “let’s catch up sometime” or “want to come down and catch a drink?” if you like her, show her right from the start. Oh, and while you’re at it, make it known you plan to pay. It will make a difference, and it gives the message to even the most militantly equal rights woman that you want to invest in spending some time with them. It also takes the stress away during the date of trying to work out how much money they have for dinner, only to find you were planning to pay. Cut the ambiguity and bring it up right from the start.
2. On the day call or text to confirm. We like to know it’s still on. Us girls can get a bit silly about stuff like that so it sets our mind at ease.
3. Dress well, smell good and no jandals! Ok if you’re meeting after work, take some clothes to change into and splash on some nice aftershave. Otherwise come freshly showered please! If you have no idea how to dress get a good female friend to take you shopping- we can all channel Trinny and Susannah if we need to. And we love shopping with other people’s wallets!

1. Choose a place you have either been before (but not as a regular place with an ex) or a place you know you’ll feel at ease in. Pubs, fast food places and loud smoky bars are all big no nos. Find a place that tells us you’ve made an effort. If we can see you’ve planned it, we know you’ve been thinking about us, and this makes us feel you are into us. Even if it’s your regular “first date place” and the plan is a rerun- we won’t know, we’ll just be impressed that it looks like you’ve planned a special night for us!
2. Offer to pick her up, but accept she might like to meet you at the venue. In this day of stalking and weirdness, we girls can be a little funny about letting you know where we live. We like our privacy and space. Girls often don’t let you know exactly where they live until the third or fourth date
3. Compliment her when you meet. Girls often spend a lot of time and effort thinking about what they wear for a date- and it’s nice to be appreciated. Even if we want you to love us for our great personalities, it’s important you think we are beautiful too!
4. Ask her a lot of questions and be interested in what she is saying. Finding common ground helps you establish connection which builds attraction. There should be a little bit more of her talking than you. The more you let someone talk, the more they find you attractive.
5. If you get her laughing, that’s a great thing. Laughter builds attraction.
6. If you loved the date, follow through at the end. Tell them you want to see them again face to face. A text to ask after the date is a cop out. Arrange to see them sometime three to five days later. Then a hug and a kiss is all you need to complete it- even if you think they’d go for more, hold back. It will make you appear more attractive.
7. The next day follow up with an email or text to say you are looking forward to the next date. Us girls need a gentle reminder that you are still interested.

*If you don’t want a repeat date- all you need to do is thank them for the nice time, and say it was nice meeting them/ spending some time with them. The word NICE speaks the words you might otherwise be worried to hear!

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Mountain Men is the most beautiful book I’d ever written and I loved researching it- talking to strong, taciturn and lovely old men from New Zealand’s High Country. I have such a respect for the men in this book- and it was a huge privilege to write it.

This book makes a great gift for expats, dad’s and people who love the great outdoors- so if you win you’ve got one less present to buy!

So- to enter- tell me…. If you are a girl- do you go for southern men, or welly boys, or urban jungle Aucklanders? And men if you would like a copy- tell me which kinda guy you think you are.

Entries close Friday 20th November 5pm

There are THREE copies to giveaway (If you want it signed let me know!)

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Of course much is said of heterosexual relationships where the man is the perpetrator. But I’ve known men who have been abused by women (far more than is reported and they find it very difficult to get police support, and of course in homosexual and lesbian relationships.

People often say the person abused is weak for staying. They often have very little understand at how slowly the abuse process can take to come to full fruition. It’s a bit like the frog in the pot of water- it might start with the odd remark until it’s become birthed into full flown beat-ups and death threats.

I got the following story-and the guy who wrote it has allowed me to repost it here- it’s a gay relationship, and shows just one story of a person who has chosen not to talk about it publicly or lay charges and why.

If you are in a domestically violent relationship or think you know someone who is, I suggest you visit www.2shine.org.nz . I like them as they focus on positive stories, and real results. If you are looking at it from home and are in danger, please remember to clear your history after you’ve looked at their website.

xx

I had always been one of those people who believed that if someone in a relationship ever hurt me mentally or physically I would be out that door in a flash. That was until it happened.

I had been living with and dating ‘Chris’ for about 4 months when things started to change. It wasn’t too bad at the beginning…what am I saying, all violence is bad. What I mean is, in comparison to what was to come, it wasn’t as bad.

As the months past, things really did fall to pieces and there was a very high level of violence in the relationship. For some reason, as stupid as it seems now, I never fought back. I was still very much in love with Chris and I would repeatedly tell myself that things would get better, and it was just a phase. I used to just wait for the violence to stop because then would come the short lived affection from Chris who was obviously feeling guilty. I needed to feel that so called love from him.

How long did I, a smart, intelligent, caring guy put up with such a relationship? I wish I could say that I walked out that door like I always believed I would. But I didn’t. I stuck around for 3 years. At the end of those 3 years it was physically and emotionally impossible to continue with the relationship.

It was the night of my birthday when one extremely violent episode finally forced me to take control and end the relationship. I woke up and calmly told Chris that we needed a break and that he would have to move out. I went with the “break” option because it was less likely to have him fly off the handle again. I had no intention of getting back with him once I had made the brave move of beginning to cut ties.

The weeks that followed were messy for many reasons. There was stalking, theft and the odd violent outburst whenever he saw me in public with anyone else.

Let’s fast forward to the present day. I still see Chris occasionally; you can’t avoid it in this town. None of my friends really know what happened and why we broke up. I kept it very quiet. When I have spoken to friends about it, they tend to not believe me. To look at he seems more likely to make daisy chains sitting in a field than throw a punch.

To the question of whether this has affected me. The short and obvious answer is yes.
My confidence levels aren’t the best and I am very shy. I don’t trust guys that I meet very easily. I’ll get there eventually. I’ll be one of those people who if someone ever hurt me mentally or physically I would be out that door in a flash.

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Completely worth viewing!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4ZyyqFAwvM

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I met Jason Moffatt on the Warrior Forum, an internet marketing website a while back- he’s now got a great long term girlfriend but he recorded this a few years ago when given the challenge- what to do if you only had an hour to find a hot date.

I love his approach- in fact I’d love to see this tried in New Zealand- anyone want to give it a go and see what happens?

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Late night gigs have a certain aura about them. Outside band members and their friends share a joint and joke nervously as the previous act belts out their final encore. At the entrance to the venue a tearful 20 year old woman, bottle in hand, is comforted by her friends, having just been dumped by a tactless young lover. Charcoal black mascara oozes down her cheek and drips onto her leather jacket as I ease myself discretely past. By way of ironic contrast, finding my way up a dimly lit staircase into the auditorium, I encounter two women French kissing in front of a poster of Jimmy Page – surreal. The entire building is alive with noise, sweat and hormonal energy. There’s something about going to see live music that brings out animalistic passions in people.

Guys who join bands intuitively understand this fact and furthermore that women love musicians and the artistic drama that comes with performing. There’s something very primal about being in a darkened room with a large group of people, heaving up and down in time with a throbbing beat. Perhaps it calls out to some sociological urge long since eclipsed by modern conditioning. Perhaps the adulation is driven by the need to associate with people who have some power and influence over others. Whatever the reason, if you are a short, skinny white guy having trouble getting laid, the best thing you could ever do for yourself is join a rock band.
My friend’s gig is no exception to these immutable rules of human nature. There is a large contingent of nubile 20-somethings in the room and I’m being politely jostled and stepped on as I find myself on the migratory route to the elegant polished timber bar that occupies almost the entire length of the room. There is a mood of anticipation as the lighting is lowered and the nubes press eagerly to the front of the stage. Pete leaps about with his bass guitar, his daytime persona temporarily transformed from shy, intellectual geek to rock star extrovert. A button pops open on his shirt and a fan shrieks, next thing the shirt is off revealing a hairless, porcelain white chest. Nobody cares by now – they are spellbound.

You can follow the author on Twitter @KiwiGeekDating

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I met Will on twitter- we’ve never physically met but I enjoy his humour and take on things. He’s kindly offered to make some dating videos for me sharing some if his viewpoints- and this is his first one.

I love it- there is a certain amount of truth in the fact that you always get what you ask for- so if you ask for bitches- it’s all you’re going to get

Women do this all the time too. If you’re saying all men are players, or all women are psycho bitches, that IS what you are going to find.

Select your internal search terms carefully. You always find what you were looking for.

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One of the things women seem to forget about us men is, beneath it all, we are still Stone Age hunters, sure most of us donʼt go out and kill our dinner anymore but we still hunt. Send us to the shop for bread, we hunt the bread, we buy the bread, we bring the bread back to our cave. Never does it enter our intensely focused minds that we need butter to put on the bread.

Unfortunately this hunter mentality extends to our pursuit of the fairer sex as well. You see,hunting the beast with two backs is almost as much fun for us as making said beast.Looking back on my younger days I dated some women who I slept with after only knowing them for a couple of weeks. Sure it was great fun but I rapidly lost interest in pursuing any sort of emotional connection with them. But yet there were others who I knewfor only slightly longer before getting jiggy with it who I chased much harder.

So what was the difference between those women? It was the amount of effort I had to putin. Like a cat chasing a mouse the thrill is not in the metaphorical kill but in the chase itself.A mouse who runs head first into a wall knocking itself unconscious is not a particularly thrilling chase for the cat, but a mouse who ducks and weaves between the furniture, hidesunder the bookcase then makes a desperate dash for freedom, only to be cut down centimetres from the door, now thatʼs a hunt!

So what about the women who made my hunt for the beast with two backs longer and harder? Iʼve dated two like that, both went just a little bit further every time we fooled around and it drove me absolutely wild. Each time we were together I would be wondering if tonight was the night, only to be denied but feel the thrill knowing that next time could be it.

In the end, one of those women broke up with me before I had a chance to seal the deal, while I eventually did sleep with the other. Did I enjoy that hunt? Well I ended up marrying her.

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