Ask Rachel » sexuality

GIRL ASKS: How do I find out if a girl is into me?

Rachel Goodchild — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:36:00 +0000

I’m 16 and I consider myself lesbian. I’ve only ever been with one girl in
my life in a 8 month relationship that never ended working out. The thing is
I really want a girlfriend but I have no idea when a new girl I meet is just
being friendly or actually in to me. I never want to be blunt about it to
avoid embarrassment and too many people finding out. What should I do?

Congrats for being so clear so early on and learning to be open about it. This is something that never changes no matter your age. I am friends with several straight acting gay men who are always being hit on by straight women, and by many gay acting striaght men who are always being hit on by gay men- and they both struggle with exactly what you are talking about. And it’s the same for straight chicks with straight guys- we never know when to say we are interested, or if it’s just a friendship.

So the first thing is this- stop thinking of it as a same sex issue. Love is complicated enough for so many of us without thinking that because we are lesbian or gay it’s somehow harder. It’s not. There are people who will find it easy no matter what, and others who will find it complicated.

So make friends as they come along- and if you like someone more than a friend say it. I’ve had women say it to me and remained friends, just as I have with men who have- when the spark isn’t there. Some of them will tease and rebuff- but that happens in straight relationships too.

At you age a lot of girls are experimenting and kisses are not considered a sign of being a lesbian. It’s become part of the whole experimenting stage. So my only caution I would give would be the same whether you are straight, gay or lesbian- look after your heart, honour your own body, and be wise you you share it with.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Airing Dirty Laundry

Rachel Goodchild — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:04:46 +0000

A really interesting row broke out on a friend’s facebook page tonight. She was talking about how frustrated she was that a guy who had deeply hurt her was still on a dating site they had met on- and that any attempt to warn people about him was met with reactions that she was being mean, or judgemental.

I find the story below chilling- because you see in it how easy it is for someone to move into a relationship that is abusive without really realising it- and the long term effects of it.
Should she have left him the first time he crossed her boundary? Probably. Is it understandable that she didn’t? For many woman it certainly is.

Domestic violence (be is against a woman or a man, be it emotional, physical, financial, spiritual or sexual) is partly so prevalent in New Zealand be cause we DON’T talk about it. We’re told not to – if we do , it’s cause we haven’t got over it, we are not dealing with it, we are being judgemental, unforgiving, unable to move on. It’s not ok to mention it in an office, in a cafe, on a facebook page. We are not allowed to speak of it, in case it shows we are somehow unhinged or unhealed.

I disagree. Talking about domestic violence and other forms of abuse helps others to realise it is NOT OK. And that if one person can talk about how they’ve left it, survived it, moved on, then maybe one other person will listen. And while I believe we can be fully healed from near anything in life- so what if we never are? Many many people carry around physical or emotional scars, and they don’t need to make those parts like new again- they just need to work out how to prevent the injury from happening again, and how to work around the scar tissue.

I’ve copied the story below with permission from the woman. If this was your story- would you try to warn other women? If you could? Or do you think she should keep it all inside?
I was with him for 3 months just over 2 years ago…he pursued me on an internet dating site for 10 months before I gave in an met him and that was only cause a friend of mine used to hang out with him many years before…when I told her what he had been doing to me she said she thought he had a dark side but she never put her finger on what it was….

He knew before we got involved that I was NOT into anal sex…..I was in counselling when I first got involved with him for a relationship many years earlier that I had been violated sexually and psychological abuse as well….

He just tried to say I consented to it after we split up….the first time he did it to me I froze and cried afterwards and and told him to NEVER do that again…but he did many times…he would kiss me on the forehead each time he put it in there and made a point of stimulating me at the same time so I was more pliable…I won’t even allow my kids to kiss me on the forehead anymore

Shining a light on Domestic Violence For a long time I’ve wanted to help people who...
It’s good to watch the danger signals After posting the story of one violent relationship I was...
Is there ever an ok form of cheating? I mentioned on twitter yesterday that one of the most...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Looking after your sex toys

Rachel Goodchild — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 09:04:55 +0000

beware the top layer of other people's dishwashers!

Ok. I got a funny story in my inbox tonight and I felt I had to share it with you. I’ve already written about my own experience with sex toys (or lack of them) and I’m very excited about the giveaways we are going to be doing soon with D-vice, giving sex toys away to couples or singles who will then report back on how it “worked” for them.

However I have to tell you this story:

A friend was invited over to a couple’s home for dinner. They had a great meal, and he took the plates into the kitchen. Noticing the dishwasher had just finished it’s cycle, he opened it to unload and re load the dirty dishes into it.

Imagine his surprise to find the top shelf (over the dishes below) was holding the couple’s newly cleaned collection of sex toys. He closed the dishwasher and made a hasty move out of the kitchen. He also passed on dessert as his appetite seemed to disappear.- and he said next time they can come to his house.

Would you use a dishwasher to clean sex toys? And would you place them next to your dishes?

How to buy your wife a sex toy Before we go much further I need to make a...
How do you bring up using a sex toy with your partner? The first road test with D-vice is about to be...
What is an open relationship anyway? When a couple of my facebook friends announced they...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Should you give your dad safe sex advice?

Rachel Goodchild — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:07:47 +0000

Last November after 27 years of marriage, my dad came “Out of the closet”. My mum is slowly getting over this, but I know she still cries a lot and I get upset. I have looked for support groups for children with gay parents, but the only thing I have
found is support groups for people who have been adopted by two gay parents. My friends are all supportive, but I am so worried about things like AIDS. I know my dad caught an STI from another man, which means he is being
unsafe (?) . Do I talk to my dad face to face or what? I hope you can help

MY ANSWERS ON SUNRISE THIS MORNING

You can really tell you love your dad. i think it’s awesome you want to talk to him out his sexual health- i think as he’s already been honest about his coming out, you can up the game on your side and talk safe sex with him. older guys can often be quite blase about condoms- and the fact you care enough to discuss it rocks really. Just be prepared for alot of shyness and red faces on at least one side!

Have you thought about calling the New Zealand Aids Foundation to ask if they know where you might get some support? As for your mum- she’s probably eligible for six free sessions of counseling with Relationship Services- which might help get her started. What a big change for you all.

This sort of change in your life does cause grief. And that’s ok- imagine if he’d left your mum for another woman- you’d be angry then. Just because it’s been a powerful thing for him to publicly admit his sexuality doesn’t mean you and your mum can’t feel pain over this- it’s ok. Just allow you both to work through it. You are both allowed to go through feelings of anger, sadness and loss. That is all normal- and it’s healthy. All relationship breakdowns hurt, and this one is no different in that respect

ADVICE: Why did my lover lie to me? I have been having an affair for 3 years...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Got any of those way out there sex or relationships questions?

Rachel Goodchild — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 15:11:04 +0000

So I was in the shower and I was thinking… it says you shouldn’t use veet on anything “private” but I bet people do! And so…

I’d love to answer your weird and wonderful sex or relationships questions. Am I the only one who wonders if people actually DO that position or what it feels like for a guy when he’s having sex, or what gay men really think about women or what other couples think is fun foreplay?

Maybe I am… or maybe you have a question you’d like answered. The thing is, this is a great forum to do so- you can leave a comment or email me on rachel.goodchild (at) gmail.com and I’ll endeavour to answer it for you. The best thing is you’ll probably be asking a question lots of other people have thought about too….

It’s almost like you’re doing a community service really …

now about that veet? ANYONE?

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Why isn’t my woman more like a pornstar?

Rachel Goodchild — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 20:15:55 +0000

Seems the posts that have provoked the most “behind the scenes” commentary so far are the ones that touch on oral sex or porn.I get alot of guys asking me questions about why their partners won’t do all the stuff those lovely girls in the porn movies do.

As I’ve wondered what to write in repsonse, I’ve talked it over with a few friends. The general consensus was that it’s because, unlike our partners, these people are PAID to have sex.

It is of course a bit more complicated than that. Besides some forms of porn that is created for women, the vast majority of porn is about male fantasy. These girls are wet, ready and waiting to enjoy anything the man thrusts upon them (or into perhaps?)And there are no dishes to be done, no kids at the door, no irritating little conversations about people coming home with lipstick on their collar or when the car needs servicing…

It concerns me that some men feel that a porn movie is representative of real sex. I’ve not watched alot of porn and I’m perhaps not the person best advised to speak of specifics, but what I have seen is full of dead eyes expressions and alot of stuff that says more about the inference of power than of any connection. Which is all, well, fine, and good until people (as some of the people who have been contacting me do) begin to see that dynamic, as normal.

Amateur porn popularity has grown alot in the last few years- probably due to the fact that people are driven to see more connection that acrobatics. It is also a reflection that more women and couples are seeking out porn, whereas before it was a male dominated hobby.

Forget the moral arguments, the fact many people in the sex industry may look like they are enjoying it on screen, but struggle to sustain positive sex lives off screen, or the fact Internet porn addiciton is a growing issue in relationships. The thought that a partner should perform some of the more “out there” sex acts on demand like that paid porn star actress shows that a viewer hasn’t grasped the difference between sex as a control, and sex as a mutual sharing experience. While differing amounts of dominant and submissive play can be part of a healthy sex life, expecting partners to play as a porn star may make them walk away feeling more than a little dirty.

I have quite a few friends who work in the adult industry, and without out a doubt many of them are some of the most generous, kindest and gentler souls around. But their on screen or stage behaviour is an idealised form of a man’s (or woman’s) fantasy. If you think your relationship should be like a porn movie you’ve missed the point somehow. Even porn stars get a little tired and grump when the cameras stop rolling….

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Is the entire world gay?????????

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:02:14 +0000

Ok I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of gay men recently. Any I’m completely sold on them. They are clever, funny, friendly, easy to spend time with and people I want to get to know more and more.

I get invited to alot of different events, and have recently been taking one of these men in particular as my date. It’s perfect really- we are both single, and while we are both looking for men, we’re not looking for the same SORT of man. So it’s perfect. Right?

WRONG!

You see it’s only now that I’m going out with a gay man to things that I realise that yes, the world is in fact, gay. It’s gushing gay men in fact. Go to a party or an event, and it’s gay men everywhere. There are actually pretty much no straight men.

Now maybe we are just going to the wrong sorts of parties, but I dunno. And to be honest I’m torn. Because besides the obvious we’re-never-going-to-have-sex-together issue, gay men have completely got it going on. They know how to compliment. they are affectionate, they are able to communicate and there isn’t any of those awkward moments. They dress well, they love a good cocktail and they are FUN.

I used to think my gaydar was good by the way, but now I know it’s crap. Becasue until quite recently, I had no idea the entire world was gay….

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.