Ask Rachel » Dating

Are you grieving?

Rachel Goodchild — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 05:12:34 +0000

In my work I often get to observe people in varying stages of their life, just trying to do the ordinary things when they’ve been just met with something extraordinary and terrible- such as the death of a close personal friend or relative, or a big relationship break up.
It’s got to the point where the behaviour of these people is so familiar, that I can often tell if there is something like that going on before it’s disclosed to me- whether it’s part of the day’s theme or not.
What is common to these people is things we see in people everyday- but may think is because they are “difficult” or “prickly” – it’s simply grief pouring out as their body adjusts.

These are some of the common signs I have noticed:
* Jittery movements, and the inability to sit still, often preferring to stand rather than sit, and move.
* Applying everything talked about to an over-personal level, relating it always to their own experience
*Throwing in non sequitors or leading others to give the opportunity to share the journey they are going through.
*Using a topic (no matter what it is) to disagree firmly, to allow emotion to come out at a “reasonable moment”

We see these behaviours from people all the time- and often think it means someone is being difficult, unhinged, or just plain weird. What it is is the person needing extra love and attention to help bathe the wounds they’ve experienced, drawing people into their pain to help share it, even if they don’t want to express both the cause and actual presence of their pain.

To help people in grief, it’s enough often to just let them draw you in, allow them to involve you in argument to help release that extra pain without taking it personally, to just let your life happen around them without making them feel they have to be involved in the same way, and allowing people to just progress through the journey, without making them feel they have to just “fit in” for a time. Then the person in grief can start to find their healing inside and move on.

Being near “normal” life is very important for someone who is experiencing loss. Having to be normal in a normal life however is near impossible and should not be expected while the wounds are still raw. For us people who are not grieving- the best gift we can give is to accept and allow them someone to display their grief without judgement, understanding we all move through it at different points in our lives.

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BREAKFAST JUNE 10: Rachel Goodchild on Long Distance Relationships

Rachel Goodchild — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 19:11:28 +0000

Thinking about one, in one or couldn’t imagine anything worse?
I talked to Paul Henry on TVNZ’s Breakfast about long distance relationships
Alright first things first- I don’t care how gorgeous he is on skype or how amazing his email letters are, unless you’ve met him in person it’s a bad idea to think of someone who lives a distance away from you as your partner. It’s great to use technology to build relationships with others, but it’s very easy to become hurt, fooled or disappointed if you make a decision to commit to someone you’ve never met before.

The most important thing with any LDR is you both feel very clear that you are in the same place with the relationship. Staying in touch is not having a long distance relationship. It’s keeping his options open and making sure you are around when he gets back. It’s ok to keep options open- and it’s ok to stay in touch- but listen to what the other person is actually saying. You may not be in a LDR at all

Generally people move into an LDR when they know it’s for a finite amount of time. It might be they’ve got a work placement somewhere for a year, or have family commitments. Some can work very successfully for many years, giving both partners space to follow their own interests but then enjoying coming together as well. It’s all about what makes it comfortable and work for both of you. However there should be regular “as real as you can make it’ contact. If you’re having a LDR and it’s pretty much all by text and facebook it’s not a good sign. Most people in LDR invest a lot of time and energy to catch up face to face as much as possible. It’s about wanting to be with the other person and it should feel like both people are making an effort to connect with the other person.

There are some huge benefits to LDR. It normally slows the pace down a little. You can write real letters, email, skype, and then enjoy lots of “holiday breaks” together. You can go on dates to the movies or watch tv programmes together- sharing experiences at the same time, just n different cities. You can send each other baking, or little mementoes and enjoy a build up of romance and tension that makes meeting up fun.

Indefinite LDR’s only suit a small number of people. Planning an end to the long distance part early on is important. However it’s a good idea to remember that long distance, and living in your house relationships are two different things. Expect a few speed bumps once you move from LD to here all the time. Hopefully all that communication you’ve been practicing for all that time will pay off now.

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She’s Out of Your League

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 23:14:45 +0000

Have you ever liked someone and thought they were out of your league?

I personally don’t believe someone can be in or out of our league. I do believe that we are all at different points of our journey, and we tend to be attracted to people at the same point of that journey through life, but I don’t think this is on whether you are “as good as” someone else or not.

I spoke about liking someone out of your league (quickly and briefly) on Breakfast this morning.

We all have an idea of where we fit within society. The sort of person we want to have as our partner reflects either how we see our selves now, or how we want to see ourselves. A good example of how this is played out is people who go for the same type over and over again. We make judgements on our equalness with another person based on their looks, their occupation, their intelligence and in some cases, their ambition.

This is not all about looks- though studies have shown that people generally end up with people who are around the same level of attractiveness. Two types of relationships are exempt from this- one where a beautiful woman barters her beauty for a man’s welath or power (or vice versa) – which is an equivalent partnership and not necessarily a bad thing, or when a “plain” man uses the fact a beautiful woman is often quite insecure to feed her ego and attach himself to her this way. If we really want to look at what sort of people are “in our league” as a potential partner, it’s important to look at other factors such as whether you are at the same stage in your life, and have shared values.

The main thing that holds back people from successfully dating someone they feel is more beautiful or more able then them is confidence. Most of us respond positively to confidence more than anything else, including beauty or success. And it’s not just a matter of faking the confidence- you’ve got to really believe you actually are worth being loved by the person you choose. This can cover over almost anything else. Confidence is the sexiest thing anyone can wear.

If you think in terms of someone being in or out of your league, then you are short changing yourself. This is not about settling, or losing out. It’s about seeing everyone as someone infinitely valuable. While you might not fit as a couple because of a lack of mutual interests, or possibly a lack of shared values, or intelligence, opening your eyes to the possibility that not everyone comes in perfect packages can help you find someone quite perfect for you- which of course is what everyone wants.

Oh and I cannot post this without referring to the rather lovely movie that spawned this idea today. It’s out in New Zealand today and is quite charming. The trailer is below:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcQ49gh7sTg

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Maybe you should start taking chances

Rachel Goodchild — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 01:53:34 +0000

One of my favourite tracks on the first Glee Album (yes I’m a complete gleek) is Taking Chances which I hadn’t heard before the show aired.

If you are stuck in a rut when it comes to meeting someone and you know you are ready, but you can’t find anyone, then maybe you need to start taking a few chances here and there.

For a start- it’s the confident people who find someone. Someone at some point is going to have to be brave enough to ask someone else out. It can be you.

The other reason it’s a good idea is there are probably times in your life where you’ve met someone and thought there was a connection but didn’t act on it. Perhaps that needs to change.

The worst that can happen is they say no. At least then you can know you tried. And if they said yes, well the journey’s only just beginning.

I think this is a time when women can use a bit of that get up and go we all have so well and take a bit of a punt. Start the ball rolling.

A lovely person I know has the best way of doing this- she’ll say “If you don’t have a girlfriend who’ll hit me over the head if we go out, could we meet up for a drink at some stage?” In one question you’ve asked if they are single, asked them out, and if they really don’t want to go, all the really need to do is tell you they are already committed. It’s a win for everyone.

You ready to start taking chances?

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BOOK REVIEW: Do You Know Why You’re Single?

Rachel Goodchild — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 06:43:30 +0000

I’m annoyingly fussy when it comes to dating books (hell is that why I’M single??! ) and while I get a lot of the to check out, most of the time I feel they don’t fit what what I would say to my clients, or to people on this website. So often it’s all about trying to be someone you aren’t or that it’s someone else’s fault.

Accidentally Single by John Aiken is a book I will happily recommend to singles trying to find out why they keep on crashing and burning when it comes to love. Aiken walks through fifteen reasons, supplying case studies and questions to get you thinking about whether it might fit for you. And if it does? He’s also provided you with an action plan to get yourself out of it.

Of course it doesn’t mean that if you read it, sort it and start again you are guaranteed to find love, but you are going to feel alot more empowered about sorting through some of those “big issues” that have been holding you back, from ex partner issues, to working to much, or just being a wee bit of a drama queen.

Accidentally Single, by John Aiken is $30.00 and was published by Penguin.

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BOOK REVIEW: Getting Over Mr Right

Rachel Goodchild — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:31:34 +0000

by Chrissie Manby

I was really looking forward to getting this book-the premise is perfect; a chick lit for today, with a girl getting over being dumped on Facebook by her boyfriend of three years.
It was a fun read, but I felt it just didn’t connect with me enough the way some chick lit books do. Maybe I’m a little more “plain” with my break up stories, though the decision to create a false account to Facebook stalk is one that I’ve heard more than one girl do- and I did love all the online connections, from references to facebook, to you tube and social networking.

In the end no matter whether we have the internet or not, getting over Mr Right can be one of the more tricky things to sort out- especially if it means you may have to face he was actually Mr NOT Right.

I’ve got the review copy of this book and would love to pass it on to someone to read- let me know if you’d like my copy and I’ll choose one and post it to you

A nice light and funny read.

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So I’m looking for a 43 year old dim witted Aucklander…

Rachel Goodchild — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:16:29 +0000

According to a recent study, the happiest and longest marriages are made when three things align:

1. the male is five years older than the female

2. the woman is 27% more intelligent than the male

3. you have the same cultural background.

Guess that’s going to narrow the field a little right? Perhaps I should put it on an internet dating site to see if it narrows the field a little…..

imagine: “wanted a 43 year old dumb arse who grew up on the North Shore.”

Actually I’ve always found five years is a good gap. The rest? Well I like men who are intelligent and clever and thinkers. I’m not sure I’d ever want to feel I was cleverer than them- I’d like to think it was an equal partnership. And while I agree that shared cultural backgrounds can help, that doesn’t mean it needs to be that you grew up in the same city. It’s about that congruency between shared beliefs and values, and how you see yourself in terms of your family and friends.

I’d love to know what you think makes a good match?

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Breakfast: Online Dating Tips

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:18:20 +0000

I sometimes forget that this website started from my book Eighty Eight Dates. It all seems such a long time ago that I whipped myself into a dating frenzy to research internet dating.

I spoke about this topic on Breakfast with Paul Henry this morning (was lovely to see him again!). It was a short segment so I’ve posted some extra information below to help out anyone who’s thinking about it.

(As an aside- I’m now blogging on Stuff about weight loss and I’m starting to see some difference to my appearance on camera from today compared to before Christmas. That’s motivating!)

Tips for successful internet dating

Internet dating can be a very effective tool. Numbers are growing all the time.- in fact around of a third of NZ’s singles are doing it. There are a wide range of sites available, and then of course, you can also use social media sites such as facebook, twitter and you tube to meet others. It always has an increase of numbers over the summer period, and many singles try it at least once.

The best way to find a great person is to make sure you are ready youself. If you’ve just gone threw a big break up, have just stopped having an affair with the boss, think all men are awful or even are still in a relationship and want an out, you need to avoid all types of dating.

You’ll need to spend money. Put the effort in and buy a subscription – it shows you are serious. The look for the ones who’ve spent money too. If they are quibbling about thirty dollars a month it’s not a great start.

Make a list of what you are looking for. Make it about qualities rather than attributes. Then read through the profiles looking for people who look like they match that. If your list is twenty items long, you’re being too picky.

Talk to everyone you can, meet as many people as you can off the site in the early stages. Meet for a coffee only, then you can plan to meet up again if you like each other. You can go back to writing a bit after you’ve met and make sure you take it slow.

Remember the following: people can look very different to their photos (and that goes both ways, so a bad photo may hide a real looker), avoid people who’ve been on the site for a long time, and people who have a pile of negative comments on their profile.

Make a decision to only stay on for two to three months. If you haven’t met someone, take a six month break then come back. The longer you are on there the less likely it is you’ll find someone “normal”.

Of course don’t give out personal information like your home address, bank information, your schedule because people could use it against you and you probably wouldn’t give out that type of information to a random in a bar so don’t give it out online.

One of the big differences to dating online versus in real life is you can develop huge on screen chemistry with someone that does not match up with real life. You allow your own thoughts to fill in the gaps that your other senses can’t give you. But if you use it simply as an introduction tool, rather than a way to speed up the dating process it’s very effective.You get a bigger reach, and hopefully the people are more likely to be available

I think the younger generation tend to jump into bed faster to show off all our tricks, and are missing out on the benefits of a slower paced relationship development. Internet dating can force us to go more old-fashioned in courtship funnily enough. It’s just a generational thing. If we started to engage our brains as much as we do our loins we might find it easier to meet someone who’s up for a longer term relationship

Remember it’s only one tool. It’s a good way to get your head around the fact you are open to love, but it’s not the only way. Remember to still socialise with friends normally as well!

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Need to vent? Just Don’t Press Send!

Rachel Goodchild — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 17:22:27 +0000

I spend a large amount of time writing. It’s my job after all. It hasn’t always been that way however. When I was at school my teachers despaired at the lack of effort I put into anything written. The problem wasn’t the writing- it was that I hadn’t found anything I was passionate about to write about. Once I discovered that I could type almost as fast as I could think, I found I had a way to record my thoughts and I was off.

However, whereas I still manage to think before I speak (most of the time), I am not so good at the whole thinking before I type thing. Yes.I have been guilty of writing some of those horrific venting emails.

They feel GREAT while you’re writing them don’t they? You pour out all your thoughts, you reread it for good measure, and then you press send.

You might still be feeling good a day or week later. But read one of them a month or year after that and you may feel a little different!

I’ve both send the odd vent and recieved a few. Sending it feels good. Getting one in your in box doesn’t. It actually makes you feel sick, and you shut down. You can’t talk about it, you can’t respond to it and you really wish it had never arrived.

I know that some of what I personally have said in writing I’d have happily said in person, but it is different. One is a moment you are both in at the same time, both feeling the vibe, hearing the tone and the context. And another is wham STUCK THERE. In the in box. FOREVER. And they can open up that email at any point. You don’t know what sort of day they’ve had or how they feel.

If you are an email ranter, then by all means write it -just don’t send it for a day or two. Think before you click. Sometimes just venting is enough. Or ring someone, actually connect. Either with someone who’ll give you a bit of clarity, or with the person in question. If they aren’t in your city or country, you can still call. Even facebook chat, or skype is better than an email.

A venting email is just you passing on your frustration to another person. It doesn’t fix things. But connection does.

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Go on- tell someone you love them

Rachel Goodchild — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 08:17:28 +0000

I used to have major avoidance issues. I’d avoid doing anything that didn’t feel good. Like taxes (I’m getting better) and paying bills (again, major improvements) and folding the washing (well…. two out of three ain’t bad right?)
I definitely avoided confrontation. And it was so long between moments of being honest I actually forgot what it felt like to actually open your mouth and say what you really really wanted to say. Then one day I realised I wasn’t speaking up and being honest to others about how I felt about them, or us, or anything in between because I was scared. I was avoiding anything that made me feel uncomfortable, and I had decided that just not doing anything was better.
The thing is NOT DOING something is still doing something. It’s still making a choice- but it’s a choice crippled by fear.
So I decided that I’d start doing things I feared. I still don’t fold the washing very much, becasue quite frankly that’s not a fear issue. It’s sheer dislike of folding the washing. But everything else- including speaking my mind alot more- that stuff I’m doing.
It’s not all been easy. I’ve definitely crashed and burned a few times. I’ve freaked a few people out, and probably spoken up too early, especially when it comes to relationships. Thankfully I, in the main, chose my people well and they coped. (and helped!) But if I look back over the last few years of doing so I have far less regrets than I used to about my life. I’m speaking what’s in my heart to people and that fear issue really isn’t there anymore. Sometimes it’s caused a wee bit of a ruckus at the time, but actually it’s meant the feelings have either strengthened or dissipated by doing some talking, and stuff gets sorted faster.
I’ve also learnt along the way that sometimes you don’t need to speak up- but that’s only because that fear isn’t my driver anymore.
I think people as a whole need to start taking some more emotional risks. So you like someone and you aren’t too sure if they like you- just TELL THEM for goodness sakes. If they don’t, then at least you know. If they can’t handle it, that’s their issue. But at least you’ve said your peace, and you know you’ve spoken your truth.
So go on- go tell someone you love them. You never know. They might just tell you they love you back.

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