Ask Rachel » socialnetworking

How much of your love life is recorded online?

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 07:55:54 +0000

I got sent this awesome video- it’s a four minute long video of a whole relationship documented in photos- some candid, some posed. (And it’s not TRUE but it IS awesome!)

Thrush from Gabriel Bisset-Smith on Vimeo.

I love it, not just because it’s clever, but because it reminds me how much of our life is documented now. We can search for tweets, see photos on facebook, follow someone easily just with their online footprint. And then there are PXT’s, texts, emails…. the list goes on.

It makes it hard to cut ties if you break up and it means it’s very easy to find out info about a new partner. A google stalk is all part of the courtship process, and don’t even get me started on the pure delight of many who find a crush has an unlocked facebook profile. Every photo checked and analyzed to work out past or current loves- or in the case of a break up- whether they’ve met someone new.

Are we just living a bit too much in each other’s pockets?

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I don’t want to date dickheads!

Rachel Goodchild — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:54:17 +0000

Question: Where can you meet a guy when you are in your late 30s /early 40s but not where the dick-heads hang out

Ha ha. I feel your pain! Actually I’ve met quite a lot of lovely guys in the last year, and I’ve never been a person that is great at doing to all those common haunts- I don’t like hunting in packs and when I am by myself it feels weird to hit the bars.

I’ve had guys ask me out at supermarkets- you initiate conversation but laughing and giving away a wee tip about what they are buying- to break the ice and sometimes a conversation starts.

I’ve also asked guys dining alone to sit with them for dinner but that takes a lot of guts, and by the time you’ve worked up the confidence, you don’t really feel like eating anymore.

What you can do is try internet dating- but stick to the sites such as Find Someone, and only evermeet for a coffee first. If they aren’t prepared to do that, they aren’t looking for the same thing.

Use your friends as a resource. Get them to introduce more men into your life- not as dates- pretend they are just potential friends and contacts. Increase your social circles.

Say yes to people you may have not before- sometimes we get stuck on a type. I’ve sometimes found saying yes to someone different has led me to meet one of their friends who IS my type too! There are alot of nice guys out there- and they are finding it hard too. Meeting in a bar is not the only way to find love!

To watch me give this advice on Sunrise this morning just click this wee little bit!

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Social Faux Pas 101

Rachel Goodchild — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 06:41:00 +0000

I’ve got a wee love affair of business cards. I love collecting them and I love giving them out. I have two- one that is pretty with Eighty Eight Dates all over it, and another, more serious one for when a more professional and less “I talk about sex and relationships” is needed.

I met with someone this morning before my spot on Sunrise. (we talked about smelly workmates and phone snoopers!) We got talking about his work and I pulled out my serious looking card- actually I’m all out of my Eighty Eight Dates ones! We continued to talk, then a few minutes he said “Hmm maybe you need this one – it’s got writing all over the bacl”

I said it would be fine – but could I check what it said. Much to my embarrassment it had a guys name and phone number and email address on it- Which in itself is fine, but it ALSO had the name of his hotel and his room number on it.

As some one who had no idea that he’d even given me that info when he had I was more than a little embarrassed that I’d given it to someone else- and quickly swapped it with a fresh card!

On top of my facebook fiasco this week…. maybe I should reconsider my communication methods!

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Facebook: how to lose friends and irritate people

Rachel Goodchild — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:29:38 +0000

Last night I thought it was time for a little check to see if any old friends were on facebook that I’d love to catch up with- Iam, as people know a rather strong advocate for social networking

So I merged my gmail account with my facebook account, and selected around seven people I wanted to catch up with more. It then gave me an option to send out an invitation to the over thousand people on my gmail contacts that have NOT got a facebook book.

Absentmindedly I clicked no….. only realising a split second later that what I actually HAD done was send it out to them all.

disaster. The worst thing is as I’ve invited them, I don’t need to ok them as a friend- they are automatically accepted if they agree to from the application.

I had five important business meetings today- they all got the email. I’ve had ex’s join- only to have me say I am going to unjoin them…. I have people who I have NO idea who they are, other than that we’ve emailed once… try to become my friend.

In short, it’s a frigging nightmare- and a PR for me as a person disaster.

The best thing about all the dating and networking advice I give? I can tell you now- I give it from my OWN mistakes…. and boy has this been another one of them!

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Assumption is the mother of all f$#@ ups

Rachel Goodchild — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:22:59 +0000

why it’s best to leave your phone on sometimes…

This is a six minute video- and a link someone else sent me on twitter- but it just shows why it is really NOT a good idea (And oh I have done it myself though NOT to this extreme) of assuming that someone not answering you is because they are really just not into you.

It is well worth the watch- but the music is bloody annoying- so if you are at work… turn the sound down. you don’t need it.

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Is social networking ruining your social life?

Rachel Goodchild — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 14:23:09 +0000

When I first started internet dating I discovered it could really play with your head. You’d be talking to someone, you’d be dating them, and then if you logged on, you’d see them online , probably chatting to other girls (damn that green online light!) I foind a great way to combat it- I just changed my settings so that other people couldn’t tell I was online, and just didn’t look them up. After all, dating in the early stages is all about deciding whether people are right- and sometimes that means people will keep on chatting to people. I also discovered that you can make friends on these sites that you chat to without it being about anything other than friendship.

The thing is if I’d been dating someone who I’d met in real life I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I would have just assumed they (and I ) were living out our lives, and then would enjoy the next date without any of the angst.

it’s so easy to see if someone is online. We have online status everywhere from dating sites, to MSN, to facebook, and to a degree twitter. And we can’t just see whether they are on line- we can often see exactly what they were thinking or doing only moments before. Nothing seems private anymore. (It’s a stalkers dream really)

When Jennifer Anniston broke up with John Mayer apparently because he was saying he was too busy, but still tweeting to his followers it became clear that the allure of connecting with many is often far more than the thought of connecting with one. And no one is immune to being caught up in it. The “I’m busy ” excuse has always been seen as a brush off to women- and here was proof once and for all that it was true “I’m busy” never means “I’m busy”. It means “You are no longer as important as…. (fill in the gaps). When that thing is twitter, or facebooking it’s gotta sting.

For many of us (and this social networking whore would be right in there with you) has our love of connecting with a crowd surpassed our desire for real life one to one interactions with others?

The thing is one to one relationships are far scarier. we have our own thoughts and actions mirrored in the reactions of the people we directly relate to. When we use facebook or twitter to communicate we can get some of the same buzz of socialising without any of the checks and balances real life gives us. I’ve said before on here that I am more comfortable in front of a crowd of thousands than with an audience of one (it’s a Joan Baez quote). But as I’m aware of this, I’m actively trying to change it. I think, as much as I love the outpouring streams of consciousness social networking sites brings, the friendships I’ve made through it, and the connections with people I certainly would never have met otherwise, it’s the one to one in depth relationships that are going to bring both me and the other person the deepest benefit.

If it’s getting to the stage where most of your friends are online, or connected to you via the internet alone, then what are you missing out on just outside your front door?

I’m still a social networking whore, who is also lucky enough to have a vibrant and rich social life I love. I don’t think you need one at the cost of the other, but if it comes down to choice, choose the real instead of the virtual. Don’t let social networking ruin your social life.

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Hooking up on twitter

Rachel Goodchild — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:54:07 +0000

I’ve obviously done more than my fair share of internet dating over the last few years. And I have to agree that some of the people (not all because after all you, me and half the world have tried it at least ONCE), but SOME of the people are kind of weird. And not in a good, fun, cool way.

Perhaps it’s partly cos it’s known to be a great place to pick up poor unsuspecting love lorn women and get them into bed with a few quaint phrases and well paced wines, then never ring them again. It’s more targetted than a bar, and it’s cheaper than a hooker. Everybody wins- well except that girl who really should have known better.

I’ve found lots of great people too, but interent dating events have found me wanting to leave rather rapidly, and driven me to be far more likely to try my luck in a bar. Odd has and continues to be an understated description of some of the people there.

Which is why I’m so delighted with twitter. I personally know of four couples so far that have met up through twitter. And it’s growing. It’s not a dating site but it’s a great way to increase your social network. Sure there is still the dodgy Direct messages with married peeps who really should know better, the angst causing “hell but I thought you lived in Auckland” and the odd weirdo, but for the most part they are all refreshinly normal.

Twitter is like a constant big networking party. I’ve found it’s been a great tool to find new business contacts, new friends and develop some awesome connections with people you wouldn’t have found otherwise. I’ve spent a few times doing twitter intros amongst people I have met in rela life that I think would be well matched, and have also enjoyed matching up twitter people with facebookers.

So, If you’ve avoided it, give it a go. It’s better than a dating site. While people are not there for love, isn’t that the best place to find it? It always happens when you least expect it….

Add me if you join- I’ll follow you back if you come and say hi, and then you’ll get to see some of the great people I’ve got to meet. You’ll find me on www.twitter.com/rgoodchild

You of course don’t have ot add me- go in and play by yourself if you like. There’s many a person doing that already

TWITTER TIPS

Follow people you think are interesting and engage them – don’t try to sell to them, but share your life with them. It’s good old fashioned chit chat.

If you like someone, suggest people follow them. You can do this on fridays- if you add #ff to your tweet other people will see it and check those people out

You can retweet someone’s message by saying RT at the beginning

If you want to send someone a message everyone else will see you put an @ at the beginning of their name. But if it turns personal or you want to send them private info they’ll need to be following you. This is best if you want to send a phone number, or an email addy.

download a twitter application like Tweetdeck- it’s easier to use than the twitter page.

Have fun and happy loving!

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Does Facebook Know You Are Single?

Rachel Goodchild — Sat, 16 May 2009 17:41:22 +0000

I was chatting to some friends the other day on twitter about the whole facebook relationship status thing. I personally have taken it off my profile, as I thought it was a better option than changing it like the wind, or leaving it as single while going out with someone and then giving the impression that I am clearly not that committed to the relationship.

I knew this was the right decision the moment I took off the status option at all. It came up with “Rachel is no longer listed as single” and I had 38 comments, texts, emails or phone calls within twenty minutes. I suddenly felt people had almost been sitting there, ready to pounce at any announcement of the end of my single life.

So taking it off at all has been liberating. And I’m finding others have done the same. The general consensus is putting single up there is equally as awkward when beginning to date. What’s the relationship announcement point? And is this discussed between the two of you? And then if it’s complicated, do you really want to add even MORE stress on something awkward by adding a judgement on it? I remember going out with a guy for three motnhs and discovering he STILL had single on his profile. I figured it was a pretty good sign he was still thinking single thoughts, though in retrospect it’s a hard call to change it, knowing EVERYONE is going to comment. It’s either leave it until the wedding, or change it for every wee romance you go through.

I remember a facebook friend who was in an open relationship declaring it was now complicated. Someone wittily commented “I thought all open relationships were complicated”

So much of our life is public these days. My life in particular is so “out there” that it’s especially nice to keep some things private.

Would I ever put my status up? Yes. If I was MARRIED. Besides that, I’m happy to keep it undisclosed. Leaves me room to duck in and out of relationships as fast or as slow as I like without needing everyone else to know.

NB: Favourite facebook relationship moments? guys who chat you up and ask you out without mentioning the wife, then ask you to facebook them, and it says they are married. CLEVER

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A good networker may in fact be a disasterous dater

Rachel Goodchild — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 16:38:47 +0000

Put me in a business or social situation and I shine. I’m a natural people reader, I love talking to pretty much anyone, and I love, love, LOVE meeting new people. This is great in both a business and social context.

The thing is it’s not always the best in a dating context. I’m too direct, to the point and good at making snap decisions. None of which bodes well for a dater

This is part of the reason behind why so many books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” (which I personally am not a fan of, though I liked his susequent book) have flourished. Women in particular have become far more like men in terms of being able to negotiate. We like clear and consistent communication. We want to know the answer NOW.

This can make dating a little problematic. Dating and courting is in itself a natural unfolding of feelings, responses, and declarations. It’s a dance between two hearts, gradually allowing the other to see more of thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams. And none of those things are desirable in a business context- or which we have become all to accustomed to working in.

Perhaps as we’ve changed, our way in which we court and chase becomes different. The problem is women intrinsically like to be chased, and men intrinsically like to pursue. Until we find that happy balance between the old, primal methods of hunting and being caught, and the new ways we’ve learnt to relate in a business and professional context, there will continue to be conflict in how women and men see each other and attempt to communicate with each other.

Oh…and as I was writing this the eight year old boy next door is teaching my eight year old daughter to bounce a basket ball correctly. It’s quite cute listening to the interactions that display the different way males and females communicate starting so early!

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I should not own a mobile phone.

Rachel Goodchild — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:20:56 +0000

ARRRRRGGGH. Today has been a day of disastrous mobile phone texting. While I’m not sure it beats the four part explicit text I wrote to my boyfriend last year but mistakenly sent to my cousin of the same name, it certainly has been a morning of uncomfortable texting. (And oh, btw, my cousin was really good about it, until it came up at Christmas, at the dinner party, with everyone there….)

I have been dating a guy who was great- but we are both really good social networkers. Social networking and being gregarious is in fact not an asset when dating. Even when you’ve lost interest, you still keep in contact because it’s the polite thing to do. However that can lead to ups and downs in emotions- and when we decided to stop seeing each other I knew I’d need to just not contact him at all. He agreed, and I took his numbers out of my phone- just in case I got caught drunk and bored one night- or worse sent him a text by mistake.

Apparently I took the name off, but not the number. So when I was sending a text to a friend last night I sent him the text as well. I only discovered my mistake when I got a text from him this morning. To make things worse I had to text him to ask who it was as I’d taken off his name.

I was still blushing from this when I texted a friend about getting some promo shots done. He happens to have the same name as a guy I dated briefly earlier this year. I got a funny text back about what photos he DID have, and a little bit of texting later I discovered I was once again texting the WRONG person.

So, I am now planning on sending the following message to all my phone contacts “Due to recent experiences please provide me with either your surname or how I know you to prevent you being inadvertently sent inappropriate texts- unless of course you’d like that!”

Here’s hoping that will fix it. That and me no longer planning to add any more Matts, Marks, Stuarts, Toms, Mikes and Davids to my phone. EVER.

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