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Many people often say that they’d break up with thier partner if they ever found they were cheating, but once in that situation, they find it can be a little more complicated than that. If you are aware that things are not good between you in other areas, or you can see there are other positives that feel bigger than the affair and cheating, you may consider to try and work through it

The person who has been cheated on is the person who gets to choose whether they want to work on it out not. They are the injured party, and it has to be about how they feel. If you’ve been the cheater, then it’s really important to not put pressure on your partner to try and get them to come around. It’s a little too much work, too late.

It is hard. It’s about establishing trust, about getting communication going again, and about creating an environment where it’s safe for you both to continue to trust again. The cheater has to be prepared to renege a few areas where they were trusted for a time. This may include having expectations of checking where they are, checking in, and even sometimes phones etc. Sometimes sleeping in different bedrooms or moving out can help. Essentially the person who has been cheated on needs to be wooed back too. It can be quite a process to reachieve it.

It’s very important to get external help for you as a couple, and then individually. Affairs are often caused by personal identity issues, and men in particular use them as a last ditch “cry for help” to get areas of their life sorted. Counselling can also help you decide if there is enough left in your relationship to stay or if you may feel better to separate

A lack of trust can disintegrate a relationship beyond repair. While trust does need to be earned, ongoing trust issues are no longer about the affair, but about your ability to accept and move on. Even if you cannot trust your partner, you need to get help to learn to trust or it will impact every other relationship you have.

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These are some of the common signs I have noticed:
* Jittery movements, and the inability to sit still, often preferring to stand rather than sit, and move.
* Applying everything talked about to an over-personal level, relating it always to their own experience
*Throwing in non sequitors or leading others to give the opportunity to share the journey they are going through.
*Using a topic (no matter what it is) to disagree firmly, to allow emotion to come out at a “reasonable moment”

We see these behaviours from people all the time- and often think it means someone is being difficult, unhinged, or just plain weird. What it is is the person needing extra love and attention to help bathe the wounds they’ve experienced, drawing people into their pain to help share it, even if they don’t want to express both the cause and actual presence of their pain.

To help people in grief, it’s enough often to just let them draw you in, allow them to involve you in argument to help release that extra pain without taking it personally, to just let your life happen around them without making them feel they have to be involved in the same way, and allowing people to just progress through the journey, without making them feel they have to just “fit in” for a time. Then the person in grief can start to find their healing inside and move on.

Being near “normal” life is very important for someone who is experiencing loss. Having to be normal in a normal life however is near impossible and should not be expected while the wounds are still raw. For us people who are not grieving- the best gift we can give is to accept and allow them someone to display their grief without judgement, understanding we all move through it at different points in our lives.

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Well…it can, but only when we plan a life that is completely under our control. It would be a lonely life- one where you could not talk to or interact with another person, and you’d have to make sure everything was measured. Your life could go to plan if your plan was to sit in one place until you died, and communed with no one. Then of course you could still be open to acts of god, but if they led to your death, at least it would ALL BE IN THE PLAN.

I happen to love planning. I work at least two years ahead of where I am right now. I have plans for everything from where I want my life to be, what I want to achieve and then even down to what is for dinner ever night this week. Planning helps me fit more into my life, and gives me more time to do what I love.

The truth is we can’t plan out everything. I never planned to be a single mother, though I’m thankful for my three girls each and every day, and it’s an honour to be their parent. I have friends who desperately want children, and never planned to be infertile. We don’t plan to get sick, to lose a job due to a world wide recession, have a bus careen out of no where and hit us, or for us to fall out of a tree and become paralysed.

Life isn’t about working to the plan. It’s about making constant adjustments, and finding the beauty in whatever your life becomes. While there are ways to get what we really want (You can stay in a bad marriage, you can find a fertile partner, you can adopt, you can never leave the house) it comes down to owning your options and knowing you’re choosing the best one for who you are right now, today.

So…if you’re unhappy, work out your options. We always have them- even if we discount them. we can only find contentment when we face the options we often discount, see we’ve chosen not to progress down that path, and find acceptance of the road we’re on right now instead.

While we can not control anyone else’s behaviour, and we certainly have no control over acts of god, we can control our own response. Life is happiest when we can find the joy in whatever situation we find. Even when things haven’t gone to plan.

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The most important thing with any LDR is you both feel very clear that you are in the same place with the relationship. Staying in touch is not having a long distance relationship. It’s keeping his options open and making sure you are around when he gets back. It’s ok to keep options open- and it’s ok to stay in touch- but listen to what the other person is actually saying. You may not be in a LDR at all

Generally people move into an LDR when they know it’s for a finite amount of time. It might be they’ve got a work placement somewhere for a year, or have family commitments. Some can work very successfully for many years, giving both partners space to follow their own interests but then enjoying coming together as well. It’s all about what makes it comfortable and work for both of you. However there should be regular “as real as you can make it’ contact. If you’re having a LDR and it’s pretty much all by text and facebook it’s not a good sign. Most people in LDR invest a lot of time and energy to catch up face to face as much as possible. It’s about wanting to be with the other person and it should feel like both people are making an effort to connect with the other person.

There are some huge benefits to LDR. It normally slows the pace down a little. You can write real letters, email, skype, and then enjoy lots of “holiday breaks” together. You can go on dates to the movies or watch tv programmes together- sharing experiences at the same time, just n different cities. You can send each other baking, or little mementoes and enjoy a build up of romance and tension that makes meeting up fun.

Indefinite LDR’s only suit a small number of people. Planning an end to the long distance part early on is important. However it’s a good idea to remember that long distance, and living in your house relationships are two different things. Expect a few speed bumps once you move from LD to here all the time. Hopefully all that communication you’ve been practicing for all that time will pay off now.

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I’m one of those annoying people who have trouble deciding exactly what they can do- only because I want to do so much! I have too many ideas to fit into my lifetime.
However I have worked with others who feel the same way as you, and I’ll give you the same advice I’ve given them.
Pehaps it’s not your career you need to focus on. Not everyone is going to have a job you love. Even in the job I love there are tasks I don’t enjoy.
The thing is I’ve got a personality where my job and my life are pretty closely connected. I’m always on in other words.
Maybe for you that’s not your thing. So instead of focussing on career, focus on what you really want to do full stop. Do you want to travel? Have children? Do crazy high extreme things? Make a list of things you really want to do, then go do them. Work may be a way of funding it, and along the way you may discover a long term love of something you could do as a job or a career.

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Ok- I think what you are feeling is spot on. This is how it works- we all will happily take for free what we can get without thinking about the cost to the other person, if the other person doesn’t speak up. Why would we do anything extra to get stuff if we don’t need to? Sure, we are all nice people and we all want to be kind to each other, but get in a pattern where someone is giving us stuff with no expectation to respond in kind, and we’ll take it.
You’ve got two options. The first is to stop doing all that stuff. If he really wants it all he’ll adapt his behaviour to make sure it continues. The second is to change nothing but to drop your expectations, and accept him as he is.
Long term the first is probably the better option. It’s about making sure you and your feelings are understood too. He’ll change if there is reason to. If he’s not prepared to adapt his behaviour, then it will come down to whether you can live with that or not.

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Go in the draw to win this amazing pack which includes Penetraitt Shampoo and Conditioner and a Penetraitt Deep Strengthening and Repair Masque to strengthen, purify and enhance the radiance of you hair!

One Pack to win. Comment below to enter

Drawn Friday 11 June

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We know that you are just as excited as we are, that 30 Seconds To Mars are finally coming to New Zealand to play their very first show here, ever. Tuesday, 3rd of August, at Auckland’s Logan Campbell Centre; write it down! The date is ALL AGES and tickets go on sale from 9AM, on Thursday the 15th April from Ticketek.

So! As we all count down the days until August, EMI Music NZ have devised an online scavenger hunt to help you get closer to your favourite band… This is the treasure hunt, to end all treasure hunts, for fans of 30 Seconds To Mars. The grand-prize winner will not only win themselves two tickets to the Auckland show, they will also win the chance for themself and their best friend, to meet 30 Seconds To Mars at a special meet and greet event… AND a Masi speciale fixed gear bike (courtesy of Masi & T.White’s Bikes) – think the bikes from the ‘Kings And Queens’ music video – which you can get the band to sign when you meet them! There will also be three runner-up winners who will win tickets to the show and 30 Seconds To Mars meet and greet, for themselves and a friend.

Beginning Thursday April 8th, there will be a new clue released each weekday at 4:30PM. Each ‘hunt’-week will run from Thursday to Wednesday and you will need to collect all five clues from each week, to find the secret location of jigsaw puzzle pieces online. There are ten puzzle pieces to hunt out and from them, you will be able to create a ticket. Once you have put together the jigsaw puzzle to form the ticket, you need to e-mail it and your contact phone number to iamasecretsecret@gmail.com pronto! The very first person to e-mail a correctly solved ticket, will win themselves first place and the grand prize!!

The next (second) person who e-mails a correctly solved ticket, will win runner-up prizes. There will be two more runner-up placings up for grabs… From every correctly solved ticket that is received (excluding those that have already won), two lots of three people will be drawn at random to fight it out in two separate 30 Seconds To Mars trivia quizzes, with the winner from each quiz being awarded the two final runners-up placings in the overall treasure hunt!

EMI Music NZ will also be giving away spot prizes of 30 Seconds To Mars NZ tour posters, stickers, CD’s and band merch throughout the entire hunt.

HOW TO PLAY:
- Follow EMI Music NZ on Twitter at http://twitter.com/EMIMusicNZ
- Hunt out each new clue, every weekday at 4:30PM.
- Solve all five clues in a hunt-week. Each clue will give you one letter or character.
- Make sure to keep all the letters/characters that you solve within a hunt-week, in order!
- With all the letters/characters in order, insert them straight into the end of this web-address: http://www.theinsoundfromwayout.co.nz/
- If you solved all the weeks clues correctly, you will be taken to a web-page which will contain a picture file of a jigsaw puzzle piece. Save it to your computer!
- The final clue of the final hunt-week will be released at 4:30PM on Wednesday, the 16th of June. As soon as you have found the final jigsaw puzzle piece, you will need to put together the jigsaw using all ten pieces to create a ticket.
- As soon as you have managed to put together the ticket, e-mail it as a .JPG file with your full name and contact phone number to: iamasecretsecret@gmail.com
- If you are not one the first two to e-mail a correctly solved ticket, you will have one final chance at being drawn at random to take part in a 30 Seconds To Mars trivia competition on Thursday June 17th to win one of the final runners-up placings in the treasure hunt.

Ask Rachel has your thirty-fifth clue in the treasure hunt, below…
‘This Is War’ Clue #35. How many you’s in the real name of Children Of A Lesser God’s male lead?

Become a fan of T.White’s Bikes at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=39451529746
Read the terms and conditions that apply at: http://www.theinsoundfromwayout.co.nz/30stm-treasurehunt-termscondition/
For more competition details and FAQ: http://www.theinsoundfromwayout.co.nz/30stm-treasurehunt/

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All I want you to do is comment below about what you current favourite piece of clothing is- and you’re in the draw.

Ten to be won- and the product info is below

GOOD LUCK!

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